One thing about hockey fans in Denver, they have a rock-solid grasp of the obvious.
The last-place Blackhawks are playing the first half of a home-and-home series (Denver on Saturday, Chicago on Sunday) against the Pacific Division-leading Colorado Avalanche, and seventy-five or so Indianhead-bearing brethren (including myself) were literally buried by an avalanche of the war cry: "Blackhawks suck!"
One exceedingly intoxicated Avalanche fan even moves right up into my face to let me know. "Hey man," he half slurs, half yells. "The Blackhawks fucking suck."
"Well," I answer. "Yes, they do." His face shows more confusion than a worker bee whose queen just died. I continue: "Of course they suck, man. They are in dead last place in the conference, are the second-to-last team in hockey, and they play like a junior-league team. They don't just suck, they really suck."
I can see my alcohol-drenched nemesis is having trouble dealing with my candid response. His deer-in-the-headlights eyes can't hide what's going on inside his head. The Blackhawks suck, he's thinking, and this wiseguy is wearing a Hawks hat and jersey. But, he says they suck. But they do suck. But he's a Blackhawks fan. My man at last finds a response: "Blackhawks suck! Whooooo!"
But no matter; this is a chance to really differentiate the Blackhawk fans from the part-timers. After all, if you travel almost 1,000 miles to see a team that is clearly the worst, dammit, you're a fan. I eagerly scan the crowd for dark red Indianhead sweaters.
We sit behind two Hawk-sweaters. The score is already 2-0, BLACKHAWKS! "Hey," I ask. "Are you guys from Chicago?"
"No," they respond, "but we're huge Blackhawk fans."
"Cool. Who scored?"
They stammer. "Umm, I don't know."
It seems that no one sporting the Hawks' colors are from Chicago, but with the game a fight-filled affair, I have plenty of time to search. At last I find Marie from Vernon Hills. She now lives in Denver, but grew up a Hawk fan. "You came to Denver for a Hawk game?" she questions. "Haven't you been paying attention to the season? Do you know they're already out of the playoffs?" As we leave, Colorado fans continue to impress with their knowledge of hockey. "The Blackhawks suck!" another angry young Avalanche screams at me. "They suck!"
This time, I have no response. The last place Hawks - who give up goals like Switzerland gives up armed conflicts, who can't score and who have no hope of making the playoffs - just fought the first-place Avalanche to a 5-5 tie. And on the next day, the Hawks will beat the Avs in Chicago, marking the first time since January that they haven't been in last place.
Apparently I don't need to respond. Another Avalanche fan intervenes. "Hey man, if they suck, then that means the Avs can't beat a team that sucks." Silence. Confusion. Alcohol-inspired awkwardness.
Finally an answer. "The Blackhawks suck!"
(Dave Chamberlain)
copyright 1999 New City Communications, Inc.