Once I had a secret love - a stalwart fellow who performed perfectly on command, every time. I speak of my beloved lemon reamer, the simple-but-efficient weapon of choice for disemboweling even the most stubborn yellow citrus.
Every home chef knows the joy of finding just the right tool for that tedious kitchen task. As with all conspicuous consumption, gadget frenzy heightens around this time of year, as gift shopping for loved ones introduces us to all the things we never knew existed but suddenly can't live without. Beware, though: The road to kitchenware romance is littered with the casualties of our blind Sharper Image longing. Do you really need an electric prune-pitter or those gold-plated pomegranate tweezers?
Ever since Spy outed our "yuppie porn" lust for the new and fangled in the mid-eighties, some recess of our collective brain has become uncomfortably aware of our monumental, not-so-death-defying-after-all materialism. But hurry, there are only so many shopping days till Christmas. Plus, there's some really cool stuff out there that puts my lowly lemon reamer to shame. Caveat emptor: The garage sales of 2002 await.
Not surprisingly, Boomer chic brings us retro redesigns and a proliferation of the colors we recently disdained. Dualit has us in its thrall with high-end toasters that look like vintage train parts ($279-$369 - Anglophiles will love the British-inspired sandwich-toasting gizmo). And suddenly we're shelling out for Opera's lemon-yellow and two-tone orange toasters and blenders, Cuisinart's chocolate-brown coffeemaker, Morphy Richards' chocolate-brown toaster. If orange and brown are back, can avocado and harvest gold be far behind?
Everyone is pushing the make-your-own-PAM oil misters, groovy gadgets that atomize your extra virgin, one-upping any oil spray on the market. For the anal retentive, adjustable bread knives and tomato holders promise perfectly uniform slices. For the consummate multi-tasker, Marshall Field's offers a one-handed pepper grinder (Progressive's Pepper Ball, $15). You can surprise your favorite couch spud with the Onion Blossom maker - As Seen On TV! (Chef's Catalogue, $14.99), and show your accident-prone friends you really care with the Bagel Biter "bagel guillotine" (around $30 everywhere).
Dagwood will be forever in your debt for that deli-style Chef's Choice Pro Electric Food Slicer (Chef's Catalogue, $199.99). And for the negligee-clad lotus-eaters on your list, Williams Sonoma (700 North Michigan; 2100 Northbrook Court, Northbrook) has chicken-shaped egg-topping scissors for a mere $65.
The folks at Crate and Barrel predict the return to grown-up entertaining will have us snatching up sophisticated, "better than kitchen-quality" serving and bar gadgets: cheese tools, cocktail forks, demitasse spoons, ice tongs. Fish-egg addicts will enjoy C&B's handblown glass caviar serving set ($24.95) and mother-of-pearl caviar spoon ($12.95). The Crate also likes a faux amber-handled French spreader for p‰tés, jams and soft cheeses ($9.95). In this vein, Williams Sonoma invites you to do your best Jackie Gleason imitation, waving a statement-making soda siphon over your favorite cocktail. This mesh-clad giant, fueled by CO2 chargers, is $46. The Chopping Block at 1324 West Webster (where they believe in "tools," not "gadgets"), advocates the newish Braun Multi-Mix ($69.99), a brilliant gift for the starter kitchen. This powerful hand-held with a 280-watt motor stands in for a mixer, blender and food processor. It comes with great whisk beaters (easier to clean, harder to lick), dough hook, puréeing wand and mini-chopper. The Chopping Block also loves the Quick Start blowtorch, designed specifically for cooking - and especially great for caramelizing créme brulée.
Now that we're all addicted to coffee drinks, The Chef's Catalogue (3009 North Clark; 151A Skokie Boulevard, Highland Park) brings us the Bodum Frother, a nifty number resembling a French press coffeemaker. You can nuke your milk right in the glass carafe, then pumping action aerates the moo-juice to a perfect froth. If you have a problem with those pesky runaway salad spinners, Oxo puts on the brakes (literally) with their button-action, non-skid spinner that gets going so fast, you may need an ABS system. For the home chef who has everything, CC is the source for fashionable denim chef's jackets ($49.99).
In the world of gadgets, stocking stuffers abound. The Chopping Block offers oenophiles the Screwpull foil cutter (around $8); Williams Sonoma likes the VacuVin Rapid Ice wine cooler, decorated with Guy Buffet bar scenes (set of two, $22). Crack your nuts in style with Crate and Barrel's black Power Crack nutcracker ($16.95). But the gadget-lover's mecca is the monster accessories wall at Chef's Catalogue, where you could lose yourself in a reverie over garlic peelers alone. I was amused by the Küchenprofi parsley shredder ($14.99); VacuVin pineapple corer/slicer ($8.99); and Chef's Choice Crystal Crafter for filing away nicks, chips and jagged edges on fine crystal and china ($14.99).
Lurking on the floor beneath this all-consuming, gonzo gadget wall, I spied the mother of all display oddities. What's that Richard Simmons "Designer Bath Scale" ($44.99) doing here? Maxing out at 330 pounds, this white elephant serves as a reminder to us all of our general good fortune and the dangers of gourmet excess. And to get a grip. Oxo Good Grips, that is - those fabulously mod kitchen utensils with the black Santoprene handles and the award-winning, ergonomic design that's been displayed in museums. Start with the can opener, then move on to the garlic press, ice-cream scoop and jar opener. And don't forget the meat tenderizer, pizza wheel, potato masher, swivel peeler...
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