It's the auditions for NBC's highly rated summer reality show, "Fear Factor," where contestants willingly eat large bulls' testicles and assorted bugs and crawl into boxes full of snakes, all for the glory of $50,000. Six contestants gut it out through three tests, "A skill thing, an eating thing and a fear thing," says the older fat guy.

We're split into tiny rooms and groups of ten for stage three, the real audition, the crucial yet blurry part that lasts less than four minutes. Our group is a mix of old and young, geeks and cools. I'm cool, right? The coolest is the guy with the golf visor and Ecko shorts, tapping his foot like mad and collecting our apps, who goes "Whuzzup, you guys are really lucky to be in this group, 'cause I just happen to be the show's casting director." He gives us all a "check me out" look. Ooohs and straightened backs ripple through the group. I want to choke him already.

"OK," he says, "I want you all to talk to the group, not me, for about ten seconds, tell us about yourself. Who's gonna jump in first?" My butterflies turn into rabid bees. There's a strange moment of silence with people staring longingly at one another.

Suddenly five people are talking, the volume gets louder, a girl with hysterical eyes and vibrating hair says she's a stewardess, the shaved-head kid says he works on "The Jerry Springer show" —"Jerry's really big, man, most people don't know dat!" and this guy who I had singled out as a pusswad tells everyone how he pissed in his friend's beer at a bar then mistakenly drank it all himself. This gets much gross-out approval and a high-five from visor boy. I am totally jealous. I'm losing the cool battle.

Visor boy looks straight at me, right on cue, and says "So what about you, glow stick, what would you do if you got on the show?" (My hair is really bright blond.) I now really want to hurdle the table and get him in a choke hold, but instead I mumble "I'd uhh... shit man, I'll eat bugs, wrestle alligators, I'll do whatever, man." Fear 1, Me 0. Visor boy cuts me off and tells us that earlier in the day this guy ate another guy's booger right in front of him for $20. He suddenly stands up, thanking us all for coming.