Elaine Richardson

Over the past year I've come to the realization that network TV is really an elaborate version of "Survivor." Four networks, thirty-plus shows, an unforgiving landscape (those pesky airwaves) and a popularity contest to make sure you don't get voted off (ratings, baby). There's reward challenges (get ratings in this timeslot and we'll reward you with a PR push and a better timeslot) and immunity challenges (sweeps!). And, finally, there's a winner -- but this winner's prize isn't just a million dollars. It's the opportunity to charge advertisers a million dollars, over and over again.

Which means the nets are always jockeying for position. And the periods between sweeps are used to vote off the weak, experiment with the strong (or merely strange) and shuffle things 'round so that in the May immunity challenge someone new can climb to the top. Want a fun waste of time? Lay out the grids from the start of the fall season and compare them to what remains on the network rosters -- it's difficult to miss the sight of blood in the water. And, as the nets drop a new load of chum markers, what we find is some strength (Denis Leary's new half-hour sitcom, "The Job" has some play), some obvious weakness (Did you see 'The Lone Gunmen'? The horror) and some old ballast (Why do Norm McDonald, Geena Davis and Bette Midler still have jobs?).

Which isn't to say there's no beauty in the midseason replacement. "Seinfeld," if you recall, came in midseason. And this year, Fox has hit gold with "Grounded for Life," a much-funnier-than-"That '70s Show" family sitcom based on the idea that mom and dad (Donal Logue and Megyn Price) started having children young -- REAL young. Now the not-so-grown-up grownups have to raise kids and it's weird. (Best episode here involved the fam keeping their serious, studious son up late to attend a Ramones concert. Watching dad argue with the nun at his son's school over whether the Ramones had held too many "farewell" concerts was just priceless.) And, "Grounded for Life" is a nice fill of the half-hour after which the irritatingly sentimental "Ed" has gone from cutesy to nauseating, but before the weekly "The West Wing" fix.

What's going down this March on the networks is only moderately promising. NBC has apparently given up trying to stop the "Survivor" juggernaut and is bringing "The Weber Show" back into the Thursday lineup March 15. Is there a better reason to turn on "Survivor" than this painful piece of Steven Weber tripe that they've already tried to pawn off on us with a new name? (This show, if you'll recall, started the season as "Cursed.") Though the peacock has, during the course of this season, axed more shows than any other network (RIP: "Daddio," "Tucker," "Deadline," "The Michael Richards Show" and "Titans"), and they're only adding two. "The Fighting Fitzgeralds," a multigenerational Irish family comedy where Brian Dennehy finds himself housing all his adult children. (Sounds a lot like the ABC-axed "Madigan Men," don't it?) "First Years," a one-hour drama about first-year lawyers in San Francisco, comes into the Monday 8pm slot March 19 and features the talents of Sidney Poitier's daughter (her name's also Sydney), Samantha Mathis and Mackenzie Astin. What's it going to be like? Its producers have also given "My So-Called Life" and "The Wonder Years," which should tell you a lot about the tone.

What to say about Fox? (RIP "The $treet," Normal, Ohio" and "FreakyLinks"). "The Lone Gunmen" (blech) goes into the Friday 8pm deathslot in April, giving us back "The X-Files" (Do we really want it back?). Not sure what the Fox types were thinking, but in fifty years of television, the number of good character spinoff shows barely fills one hand ("Fraiser," "The Jeffersons," "The Lou Grant Show," "Star Trek: The Next Generation" -- which only sort of counts, "Good Times" and "Laverne & Shirley"). "The Lone Gunmen" are likely to go the way of Michael Richards, but not before a month of taking our Sunday nights down with them. Continuing their mission to produce the schlock of reality programming, we'll get to see real people go through military hazing in "Boot Camp" (premiers March 28, 8pm).

ABC (RIP "Madigan Men," "The Trouble With Normal," "Downtown"), which started the season with three nights of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" on the schedule, has since increased that to five. So glad to know their commitment to quality TV runs so strong -- but maybe someone over there is staring to wise up. They've got a strong contender with Denis Leary's half-hour sitcom "The Job" (premiering March 14, 8:30pm). Done with the folks who did HBO's "The Larry Sanders Show," it features Leary as a New York cop dealing with continuing insanity in his life. We can only hope Leary will be able to hack the less colorful vocabulary standards of network -- and competing against the back half-hour of "The West Wing." But give ABC some credit -- they've actually put together a show with African Americans. Yes, you will see black people on one of the big four. Damon Wayans gets a shot with "My Wife and Kids" (premiering March 28, 7pm), but considering what happened to D.L. Hughley, if I were Wayans I wouldn't be buying that mansion just yet.

CBS has junked about as much as NBC (RIP: "Welcome to New York," "City of Angels," "Becker"). "Walker, Texas Ranger" has also disappeared, but it is, like "Diagnosis Murder," such a quintessential CBS show (old folks need something to watch, too) that I'm hard pressed to believe it won't reappear as soon as their current efforts fail miserably. Their additions include the just awful gay people are OK, y'know show, "Some of My Best Friends," (Wednesdays 7pm) and Mary Stuart Masterson plays an Erin Brockovich type in the not-long-for-this-world "Kate Brasher" (Saturdays 8pm). "48 Hours" has disappeared (though probably not for good) to make room for "Big Apple" (Thursdays 9pm), which should probably be subtitled "lame ass attempt to beat 'ER,' no. 26." Yeah I know. Order cable -- now.

(2001-03-08)

Also by Elaine Richardson

HARSH REALM
"The Sopranos" hits this season with a host of problems, not the least of which is the very sad death of actress Nancy Marchand, whose turn as Tony Soprano's (the ever excellent James Gandolfini) agonized--and agonizing--mother Livia helped to make this show's original run so remarkable. Without her, Tony's mother conflict is automatically relegated into flashback--no new fodder for Tony's shrink sessions.
(2001-03-01)

THE HORROR
"This is punishment for every sin I've ever committed in my life," yells a pained viewer. "It's just so awful." That's the point of B-Fest 2001, the twenty-four-hour B-movie festival and spectator sport (yelling is encouraged) put on yearly by the Northwestern University student group, A&O Films.
(2001-02-01)

WINTER WONDERS
Most of these things don't require you to stand outside -- but so what if they do? An occasional breath of fresh air might be nice. All you really have to do is run from one warm place to another, so suck it up, put on an extra scarf and take advantage of some great events.
(2001-02-01)

SPIKED
But hey, we've heard this one before; isn't this what you call wine cooler land? Yeah, back in 1985. But while our friends at Bartyles and James have faded off the radar, hard lemonades, ciders and even alcoholic water have appropriated a good chunk of their shelf.
(2001-01-11)

FLAKING OUT
(2000-12-28)

IRRESOLUTIONS
(2000-12-21)

VIDEO ZONE
(2000-12-21)

ON LINE
(2000-11-30)

EASY MONEY?
(2000-11-23)

DOLLAR SIGNS
(2000-11-23)

THE BIG 3-0
(2000-11-16)

DRINK AND BE MERRY
(2000-11-16)

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