Joe Jarvis

You can't compete with a man in a cow suit.

All those who tried to interfere with Sean Gifford's PETA demonstration last Thursday learned this fundamental truth. Gifford and costumed partner Noah Hannibal (surely there is no crueler surname for a vegetarian to endure) staked out the sidewalk of South Side Elementary to distribute anti-dairy information to schoolchildren, as part of their two-week Midwestern tour. As school let out, hordes of children flocked to Hannibal, who held between his hooves a sign reading "Don't Be a Milk Sucker. Dump Dairy." The kids receive Milk Sucker trading cards, much like those halcyon Garbage Pail Kids, but carrying PETA's agenda: Pimply Patty, Windy Wanda and friends suffer from side-effects of dairy consumption. The cards are a huge hit, although the kids seem decidedly less enthused over the other proferred material, such as pamphlets documenting dairy-industry horrors, complete with photographs of hormone-riddled cows, udders swollen to the ground.

The children's giggles are matched by groans from chaperons striving to herd the kids onto buses. Officer Dalton, 001 District Central, attempts to persuade Gifford that the sidewalk is private property and the demonstration must move across the street. Gifford, who knows about civil disobedience, calmly jousts with Dalton, ultimately exposing the officer's arguments as something akin to the two tons of turkey feces Gifford once dumped outside the National Poultry Exhibition.

With the law out of the way, it seems like smooth sailing, until a vigilante teacher begins pestering Gifford to leave, for the sake of the children, whom, incidentally, she'd left to come argue. Discovering Gifford represents PETA, the teacher gushes, "Well, I love my dogs, but I don't know if you're allowed to be doing this." Gifford assures her it's wonderful that she loves her dogs, but perhaps should think about the thousands of other species on the planet and directs all further complaints to Dalton. Principal Karen Wilson, who has noticeably just changed from a fur coat to a colleague's fleece -- presumably in the spirit of things -- reveals the general air of tired annoyance during the demonstration's final moments. "I have no feelings whatsoever," she says.

(2001-03-01)

Also by Joe Jarvis

REPAIR WORK
Though this movement has existed conceptually for some time, never before has it physically materialized in such form. And despite the discussions, the organization of reparations remains a logistical nightmare.
(2001-02-08)

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