This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1

Hillary Clinton

The Park Ridge native earned an impressive victory over Barack Obama in the Pennsylvania primary.

2

Chris Williams

The Bears first-round draft pick, an offensive lineman, became the latest player responsible for protecting whoever the hell the team has playing quarterback this year.

3

Nick Hill

The Southern Illinois quarterback was picked up by the Chicago Bears.

4

Rashard Mendenhall

The star University of Illinois running back and Chicago native was drafted in the first round… by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

5

Lee Elia

The former Cubs skipper was celebrated on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his infamous curse-filled tirade on Cubs fans.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1

Barack Obama

Amidst the growing Rev. Wright kerfuffle, the Illinois Senator was soundly defeated in the Pennsylvania primary.

2

Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Pundits and columnists everywhere criticized the reverend’s ongoing undermining of the Obama campaign.

3

David M. Hall

The Lake County judge was busted for a DUI and in the process was pepper-sprayed by police.

4

Alfonso Soriano

After being placed on the disabled list with a calf injury, the Cubs highly paid outfielder suffered severe criticism from sportswriters and jocks, especially as the team succeeded offensively in his absence.

5

Jerry Springer

The Northwestern alumnus was invited to give the commencement address at the NU School of Law and was met with wildly unhappy student petitions and blog posts.

(2008-04-29)

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