Tom Lynch

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the Cubs’ last World Series title. Herewith, a hundred reasons why the streak ends here.

1. North Siders need mercy from Sox fans’ badgering
2. The team must win before Wrigley Field is renamed Viagra Park
3. Won’t be able to handle embarrassment of playing home games at The Cell without having won
4. Weak division, yet again
5. Because the Red Sox won again, reminding us—again—that curses can be broken
6. Management had the stones to tap into Japanese resource
7. The result? Chicago Cubs: Beyond the Fukudome
8. Albert Pujols has a bum elbow
9. So Phil Rogers can title his book, "To Zell and Back: How the Cubs Lost for Nearly an Entire Century"
10. Because the team still might get Brian Roberts
11. Because, unless we get Roberts, there were no Cubs in the Mitchell Report
12. They got that Cubbie swagger. Uh-huh.
13. Felix Pie should be awarded something for his twisted testicle
14. So Ron Santo can pay his excessive fines for each time he stutters and says a naughty word while trying to pronounce "Fukudome"
15. Sweet Lou doesn’t seem to have much gas left
16. Steve Bartman can come out of hiding
17. Kerry Wood will achieve redemption as the team’s sentimental closer
18. They’re rid of Mark Prior
19. It’s a sure cure for Mark DeRosa’s broken heart
20. Michael Barrett will be gone for the entire season
21. Jon Lieber is back, and we’re gonna party like it’s 2001
22. Jay Mariotti actually wrote recently of the "Wrigley experience" in a positive way
23. Jim Hendry makes deals while he’s in the hospital
24. There’s a chance Alfonso Soriano won’t bat lead-off and strikeout 130 times
25. Steve Stone’s with the Sox—the Cubs delicate feelings are safe
26. Because the Sox are gonna be so bad this year
27. Carlos Marmol can throw a thousand miles per hour
28. There’s no such thing as curses
29. So Bob Brenly can stop talking about the Diamondbacks World Series of 2001
30. Can officially use the "It’s Fate in ‘08" slogan
31. It’ll look good when Barack’s president
32. To stick it to Daley
33. So Mike Wilbon can achieve ultimate homerdom on "Pardon the Interruption"
34. John Cusack can make a movie about it
35. Bill Murray can come back to Chicago and stay awhile
36. Vince Vaughn can go away forever
37. It’ll help considerably with the Olympics bid
38. To give Blago something before he goes to prison
39. So Ozzie can call Cubs fans "fags"
40. Wrigley’s new drainage system emptied a hundred years of loserness
41. Sam Fuld’s fearlessness
42. Needs to win before Rich Hill wins Cy Young awards elsewhere
43. They can’t rely on Patterson family forever
44. Since 1993 expansion: Marlins = two championships; Diamondbacks = one championship; Rockies = one World Series appearance. Cubs need to make it before the goddamn Tampa Bay Devil Rays
45. No contract distraction for Carlos Zambrano this year
46. An ex-Cub is coaching the Yankees
47. SuitePlay furniture stores are offering full refunds if the Cubs win
48. Hobbits Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot and Sam Fuld destroyed the ring in the off-season
49. Carlos Zambrano hasn’t predicted a Cy Young for himself yet
50. Because they won’t put poor Ron Santo in the hall of fame
51. Soon no one will be able to afford to go to a game
52. Need to win before Wrigley collapses, killing thousands
53. Because Ryan Dempster said so
54. And then everyone made fun of him
55. Even Kevin Millar
56. To justify the staggering payroll
57. Really, they’re no longer the lovable losers
58. So Fontenot can cut that mullet
59. They might actually have a good catcher in Geovany Soto
60. The starting outfielders don’t speak English, won’t be as affected by curse talk
61. Dusty Baker is bringing the curse to the Reds
62. So Cubs haters can stop hearing Cubs fans bitch all the time
63. Wrigleyville businesses desperately need an economic boost
64. When the Cubs play home games at the Cell, fans will need some boasting rights when drinking at Jimbo’s
65. Because the Bulls are so bad this year
66. The "Eamus Catuli" sign in right field can’t go up to 100
67. Fukudome’s interpreter, Ryuji Araki = secret weapon
68. Aramis Ramirez will strike out less than sixty times
69. So ESPN 1000’s Marc Silverman can get laid
70. So Ozzie lover Mike North can shut up
71. Larry Rothschild needs to retire the pitching-rehab towel
72. So drunken Cubs fans can have a legitimate excuse
73. So drunken Cubs fans can take more from the Wrigley experience than a hangover and oral herpes
74. Before Ronnie Woo-Woo gets hit by another car…Woo!
75. So Harry can rest in Bud-soaked peace
76. So the city can have a Cubs parade that isn’t dubious
77. So real Cubs fans can stop feeling ashamed of Cubs culture
78. Must win before Dave Matthews Band plays Wrigley and ruins it forever
79. So everyone can ravage Murphy’s; and then the Cubby Bear
80. Because we still have to piss in the trough
81. When you Google-image "cubs world series," the first image that appears is of a woman hysterically crying
82. So we can forgive Alex Gonzalez
83. Because the Bears are gonna be so bad this year
84. We killed the goat on the cover (just kidding, PETA)
85. Ben Sheets is gonna get hurt again
86. The Pirates have stunk for, like, twenty years
87. Craig Biggio retired
88. The Reds have stunk for, like, ten years
89. Brett Favre retired
90. John McDonough left to sabotage the Hawks
91. Jeff Samardzija chose the Cubs over the NFL
92. We’re protected—cubsblogcoastguard.net
93. Pat Hughes deserves to call it
94. Need to win before the team’s owned by a greedy, demon-looking ass clown. Wait a second.
95. It’s the twenty-year anniversary of the first Wrigley night game
96. For Arne Harris
97. To prove we don’t need Greg Maddux
98. To give Derrek Lee a reason to be here
99. Alfonso Soriano isn’t Client 10
100. Next year is here

In the Fuld
Outfielder Sam Fuld dives headfirst into the ivy (2008-03-18)

Also by Tom Lynch

Soundcheck
Having Pete Wentz in your corner is the next best thing to knowing Kanye’s cell number. Chicago’s four-piece outfit The Hush Sound celebrates the release of its third full-length record for the Fall Out Boy bassist’s Decaydance imprint, titled "Goodbye Blues" and, as with the band’s previous efforts (the applauded "So Sudden" and "Like Vines"), it’s unlike what you’d expect from a label that’s spawned from Fueled by Ramen
(2008-03-11)

Tip of the Week
The luckiest guy on the Lower East Side, The Magnetic Fields’ cryptic and often achingly funny leader Stephin Merritt, hasn’t released a new full-length since 2004’s kind-of-disappointing "i," and "Distortion," the new record, as the title suggests, traces back to the mid-nineties style of the band
(2008-03-11)

Soundcheck
Singer-songwriter Alison Sudol—or A Fine Frenzy—wouldn’t want to get good at being cool.
(2008-03-05)

Tip of the Week
Hideout’s second annual daylong festival that benefits Chicago artists
(2008-03-05)

Tip of the Week
(2008-03-05)

Tip of the Week
(2008-02-26)

Tip of the Week
(2008-02-19)

Tip of the Week
(2008-02-19)

Soundcheck
(2008-02-12)

What Dreams May Come
(2008-02-12)

Tip of the Week
(2008-02-12)

Soft Focus
(2008-02-06)

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