Andy Seifert

It certainly feels like a typical night a Y Bar on Ontario—young, clean-shaven twentysomethings gyrate their asses, throw napkins into the air, dance around gleaming bottles of Grey Goose. The partiers flirt aimlessly, armed with every kind of drink the bar has to offer, most of them unaware that the club is concealing a secret, and there's only one clue: orange and navy-blue balloons filled with helium stacked across the ceiling. Little do the clubbers know that they are minutes away from being in the midst of a surprise 30th birthday party (one that was well publicized online) for the Chicago Bears' strong safety, Adam Archuleta, organized by his Playboy Playmate girlfriend Jennifer Walcott.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" the Pussycat Dolls inquire from above, the blistering bass beat visibly influencing the candle flames that sit on each table. It's a question that seems all the more appropriate with the imminent arrival of Archuleta and his Hefner-approved girlfriend. First, however, one would expect an appearance from a few of your currently 5-6, former NFC-champion Chicago Bears. Here comes Bernard Berrian, looking suave, trendy, sporting a gigantic silver watch (only forty-two hours till his game-tying touchdown catch against the Broncos). And there's one of the Ayanbadejo brothers, either Brendon or Obafemi. Past that, there's a guy who slightly resembles Cedric Benson, but would he even be invited?

There are burly, muscular and unmistakably upper-class figures throughout the bar that surely must be football players, but even diehard fans would have trouble recognizing them. Dim lighting, cigar smoke and drunken ignorance obscure most football faces into anonymity, not to mention the fact that ninety-five percent of their high-profile careers are spent underneath a helmet.

Halfway through the evening, Archuleta and Walcott arrive, the former sporting a simple black jacket and a cocky grin, the latter barely even showing that she's twenty weeks pregnant. It's the big moment, and Archuleta's friends and teammates let out a totally lame and anti-climatic "Wooooo!"

A couple of unsuspecting guys clutching Coronas try to peek in to the group's exclusive area and ask, "So, where's Urlacher? Where's all the Bears?" Surprise.

(2007-11-27)

Also by Andy Seifert

Rebel Cacophony
"Be a nice time to smoke some weed with Jimi," says a college student as he listens to Hendrix wail, which is probably not the first time someone has had visions of marijuana during a press conference. This, though, isn't a press conference held by some PR puppet, but by Sergey Turzhanskiy, Marck Hilgendorf and Nick Andrews, three college students recently arrested at Union Park while protesting current and future wars
(2007-11-19)

Martha Martha Martha
Hundreds of people have packed into the seventh floor Walnut Room at Macy’s on State Street to catch a glimpse of Martha Stewart and her specially designed Christmas tree. The hordes of people on the seventh floor and the masses peering from the eighth floor have merged their collective breath to make the room spectacularly and unbearably humid
(2007-11-19)

Take It Personal
Two goth kids walk into the Borders in Lincoln Park, and, as one would suspect, head straight for the display featuring "Out of Sync," the new book from Lance Bass, who's scheduled to appear in the store shortly. They lean towards the rules of the event posted underneath Lance's smirking face
(2007-11-06)

Tip of the Week
Amidst the recent rise in popularity of Mapquest and the overwhelmingly intricate Google Earth, the Field Museum's simply titled "Maps" sets out to show that maps were once hand-written and delightfully flawed. Historical heavy-hitters like Charles Lindberg's New York-to-Paris flight chart and J.R.R. Tolkien's imaginary depiction of Minas Tirith highlight the exhibit, but nearly all the pieces exist within their own subjective realm
(2007-10-30)

The Scary Stage
(2007-10-23)

Skin Deep
(2007-10-16)

Academic Alliance
(2007-10-16)

By a Thread
(2007-09-18)

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