Jessie Tierney

This year, I am resolved to go deeper into the self, so I decided to ask my Vagina to Be My Valentine. This is what she said:

Oh, ho-ho... look who's trying to sweet-talk me now. Weren't having as much fun as we used to have when that boy was over the other night, were we? You expect me to just come to life all of a sudden as soon as some dude shoves his hand in your panties? After ignoring me and denying me and telling me to shut up every time I say something? And when we DO talk, you don't even LOOK at me. You just shut out the lights and smother me in some musty pillow. I LIKE to be TOUCHED, you know. And not poked at like some hick kid pokes at a dead animal. I like being felt, pressed, massaged. And girl, it takes time. I'm not a light switch. Things gotta change with you--big time--before I even think about spending quality time with you again.

I mean, gawd, what happened? We used to be so close! And that boy you dated forever was like obsessed with me. Those were the days! Even though he was clueless and so were you, it was still good times because you both were so curious and exploratory. I mean, what's your deal, girl? As soon as he was outta your life, you stopped talking to me. Like you were punishing ME for being the asshole!--no offense, ass hole. Like when you dumped him, you dumped me too. Girl, that just doesn't make sense. Now, I know you're excited about this hookup you've got goin' but it's not gonna happen just like that. You gotta talk to me honestly and with Respect, and you gotta pay attention. I need you to spend TIME with me and really get to know me again. And I mean YOU--not your body pillow. Check me out and maybe I'll be more apt to play. I mean, I'm ready for it. Fuck, it's what I'm HERE for. But you gotta stop abusing our relationship, okay? Believe me, we can have some AMAZING fun--I'm capable of stuff you haven't DREAMED of--but you gotta show a little love.

And I heard what you said about boobs. "They're embarrassed." What the fuck's that about? They are the two biggest hams on the planet. Well maybe not the biggest, but they aren't nowhere near "embarrassed." You might wanna give them a talk; last time I checked, they were pissed. "You have to bite 'em?" Did you ever stop to think that maybe they were ignoring you, going numb on you just like you've been ignoring them? Girl, you've got some changes to make. Get your priorities straight. Then maybe I'll be your valentine.

Much love,

Cunt

(2007-02-06)

Also by Jessie Tierney

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With the explosion of college housing in the South Loop, students wonder what to do in their neighborhood without having to venture far--Gourmand Open Mic has an answer
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