Emerson Dameron

Most corner dives are either disappearing or getting more crowded. In the ones that survive, bartenders soon get sick of checking every stranger's ID, particularly on weekends. So they hire doormen.

It's a fun job. I know; I did it for two years, even when I had steady income and didn't need to. It was a job that became a hobby. If there's anything I love more than observing human behavior, it's drinking beer. I got my PBRs comped after midnight.

But it's not for everyone. Before you seek an exciting, lucrative career keeping the riff-raff out of your favorite watering hole, make sure you're qualified.

1. You must be male. Although no one specifically requires it (as that would be terribly, terribly wrong), I don't think I've ever seen a woman doing this job. I'm not sure why.

2. You must have night-vision, at least if you intend to read on the clock, which I highly recommend. Customers are impressed when you can validate their paperwork without using a cumbersome flashlight.

3. You must have flexible musical taste. You'll hear a lot of terrible songs many times each. You'll rarely have any control over this. Even if you work in a place with a happenin' juke, there will be terrible songs in there somewhere, and people will find them.

4. You must be an introvert, or at least emotionally and intellectually self-sufficient. Your job is watching people drink and have fun with their friends. Some patrons will deign to chat with you, but for the most part, these people won't have much to say that isn't vaguely intimidating drunken gibberish. You will get lonely. You will get frustrated. And yet, in your fleeting interactions with customers, you will want to remain reasonably friendly, or at least not physically violent.

5. You must have some other line of income. You get paid mainly in alcohol. Opportunities for advancement, if they arise at all, will be rare and few.

6. You must have high tolerance for alcohol. You don't want to get visibly wasted on the job.

7. You must be good with faces. People get upset when they show up every weekend and you keep carding them.

8. You must have thick skin. Yours is not a popular trade. You remind people that some things are true, some things are not permitted and the Libertarian Party can't get it together. You stand between people and their medicine. When they stupidly forget their identification, you are bound by your employment to ignore their bullshit sob stories. No matter how cold you are, they will continue to whine. Sometimes they'll insult you, or their companions will gang up on you. You must not take this personally. And when the lights go up and you're trying to get the last barnacles out of the bar, you won't want to say anything rude, such as, "Last one out is an alcoholic!"

9. Now that I think about it, you might want to be the sort that enjoys a well-mixed cocktail of masochism and schadenfreude.

All this aside, I loved my door gig. I got paid to sit, think and drink. My co-workers became good friends, as did a few of the customers. Compared to most jobs, it was easy and fun. But I'm glad to have my weekends back, and I'm glad I don't have to ever hear Wilco's "Heavy Metal Drummer," which really doesn't live up to its title, unless I somehow choose to.

Want to join this proud, surly tradition? Take a fearless personal inventory, and then apply within.

(2006-11-14)

Also by Emerson Dameron

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Big Wheels
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Circle Jerk
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Racing in the Streets
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Barflies United
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Pour Showing
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Arts Attack
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The Last Howl
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