Fred Sasaki

CHARACTERS

BOYFRIEND, rich sensualist.

GIRLFRIEND, aspiring socialite.

GOOD FRIEND, wholesome library clerk.

BAD FRIEND, oafish banker.

All of the action takes place in a wall-to-wall-carpeted three-bedroom bachelor pad in Lakeview.

SCENE: The four are sitting on the corners of Bad Friend's king-sized bed, admiring dozens of grams of imported marijuana. A 300-watt halogen floor lamp blazes the hospital-white walls. A framed Michael Jordan jersey hangs over a Formica desk and a Nerf hoop is clipped to an adjacent wastebasket.

BOYFRIEND: Europe was awesome, dude. Dude. It was awesome.

GIRLFRIEND: He's really very eloquent, isn't he?

BOYFRIEND: What? It was. Admit it. It was the best time of your life.

GIRLFRIEND: Well, it was fabulous. Venice was just as I always imagined it.

BAD FRIEND: Smelly and overpriced? Sounds like his kind of place. (He leers at Girlfriend and presses his index finger to his nose, making the face of a bourgeois pig. )

BOYFRIEND: Whatever. I guess I'll just smoke all this by myself.

GOOD FRIEND: (He fidgets nervously. ) So, you posted this back from Amsterdam?

BOYFRIEND: Yea. Awesome, eh?

GOOD FRIEND: I'll say. (He eyes the bags fiendishly.) Nice work. You're crazy, but nice work nonetheless.

BAD FRIEND: Well let's not let it go to waste. I can't let anything so beautiful sit on my bed without touching it. (He picks up a gram and massages it with his fingers, all the while sizing up Girlfriend. Boyfriend packs a post-collegiate glass bong and they pass it around, choking in turn. Oasis plays on a one-unit stereo system. Bad friend blows a long pull over Girlfriend. ) So, what did you do in your previous life?

GIRLFRIEND: My previous life?

BAD FRIEND: You know, before you met prince charming here?

GIRLFRIEND: Brooks Brothers. I sold men's suits.

BAD FRIEND: Really? You any good?

GIRLFRIEND: So they say.

BAD FRIEND: Well then. Tell me, what size am I?

GIRLFRIEND: Forty-four, I'd say.

BAD FRIEND: Long. (He raises his eyebrows.) You caught my broad shoulders. Good. Not bad at all. Neck?

GIRLFRIEND: Seventeen.

BAD FRIEND: Seventeen and a half. Got to keep extra room for that afternoon cheeseburger. Waist?

GIRLFRIEND: I'd say thirty-six. But that's always hard to tell.

BAD FRIEND: You're good. Real good. Now, how `bout my inseam?

GIRLFRIEND: (Blushing) Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for that.

BOYFRIEND: He's probably a twenty short. (He chuckles like Butthead.)

BAD FRIEND: Shut up, Beavis. I'm six-four, dumbass. Size twelve shoes if you want to know. (He winks at Girlfriend)

GIRLFRIEND: (Touching her necklace) Oh, he's probably just a flirty... a thirty-five.

They continue to banter and flex nuts, Good Friend getting increasingly uncomfortable as the high settles in. He stands up with a start.

GOOD FRIEND: I'm stepping into the living room for a cigarette. You mind?

BAD FRIEND: Mi casa su casa, guy.

GIRLFRIEND: I'm going with you. Wait. You can have one of my fancy Italian cigarettes. They're from Perugia. (She hurriedly collects herself and exits after Good Friend. They step into the living room, dazed. The room is dimly lit by the same model halogen floor lamp and is appointed with a big stereo, big television and several gaming systems. Scores of DVDs and video games litter the shelves. Good Friend retreats to a leather La-Z-Boy by the window. )

GOOD FRIEND: (Sliding into the chair) This is nice. I'd like to have one of these. It's even got one of those massagers. (He switches on the machine and groans slightly as it works his upper ass. Girlfriend looks over provocatively. )

GIRLFRIEND: Why? So you can masturbate while you look out the window? (She lights her cigarette and inhales with a hiss. )

GOOD FRIEND: What?

GIRLFRIEND: Oh, you know. You know what I'm talking about. I know how guys are. They're gross like that. They're always masturbating. Masturbating everywhere.

GOOD FRIEND: What are you talking about?

GIRLFRIEND: Yea. A bunch of single guys. I bet they sit in that chair with a beer and just masturbate while they look at girls out the window. Probably while that thing's vibrating.

GOOD FRIEND: (He stands, looks at the chair, and moves to the sofa where she is sitting.) And you? Do you just masturbate everywhere?

GIRLFRIEND: Oh Yea. Of course. I masturbate all over the place. I masturbate everywhere. In the shower, in bed, on the sofa, on my dining-room table, in the kitchen, at my desk. A girl's got to have her fun. (She takes a long pull on her cigarette and does her best impression of Jean Harlow.) I masturbated in the elevator the other day.

GOOD FRIEND: (He looks toward the bedroom door and his upper lip twitches. ) I'm going to put some music on.

GIRLFRIEND: Go for it. Put something good in. (She is still speaking breathlessly. Good Friend fumbles through the CDs. )

GOOD FRIEND: Blues Traveler, Dave Matthews Band, Hootie and the Blowfish, Jimmy Buffett... Jesus, maybe you're right. Wait, John Coltrane. Think they'll mind if I open it?

GIRLFRIEND: They won't hear a thing... (Now she's imitating Lana Turner. Good Friend thumbs the wrapper, becoming more and more exasperated as she watches him. ) There you go. Come on. You've almost got it. (He finally tears away the plastic and drops the CD.) That's OK. Come on. (He picks up the CD and slips it into the stereo and pushes several of the buttons trying to start the machine.) That's it. That's it. Come on. You're getting it. You're almost there. (The music rushes on with a flood of sublime saxophone.) Mmmm. Oh yeah. That's so good. (Good Friend wipes his brow and throws himself on the sofa. )

GOOD FRIEND: How `bout that cigarette?

(2006-04-11)

Also by Fred Sasaki

The Agony and the Ecstasy
"I wish I were the kind of woman that could have an affair."
(2006-03-28)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
Is this part of some Internet thing? What are you, swingers?
(2006-02-28)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
"We've got that animal lust thing going on, you know."
(2006-02-14)

Love and Sex: Waxing Poetic
My wife came home from the salon the other day with what looked like an angry bird between her legs. A little enraged, roseate, and dashed with baby powder, her bird winked at me in an unknown way and I suddenly realized that, after ten years together, I had never seen her so naked. She had had her first Brazilian Wax and I was soon to discover how glad I'd be about it
(2006-02-07)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-12-13)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-10-25)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-10-04)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-09-27)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-08-23)

976-POET
(2005-07-26)

Animals of the Wild
(2005-05-24)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-04-26)

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