Fred Sasaki

Characters

HOMME, a Canadian business-casual man. He is a nouveau-Paki of the double-cheeseburger variety.

BÉBÉ, a Canadian girl gone wild. She is in her mid-twenties and sedated.

GARÇON, a young Canadian mountain buck.

MARI, a bourgeois husband with an expensive haircut.

FEMME, a bombshell-exotic wife in 4/4 time.

All of the action takes place in the Zebra lounge at 1220 North State Parkway.

Scene

It's midnight and the dim bar is dead drunk. Dark amber. Über-murmur. Smoke winds in and out of unwholesome lungs. A sharp-nosed ballad-monger spits from the corner piano, singing impromptu "Tea for Two": "Picture you upon your knees / Just pee for you / you drink my pee / Just me in you / And you drinking . . . my foam." Cherry-cheeked hoochies and Viagra-men carouse, lifting drinks in good cheer. A row of poetasters and library clerks sit on a pleathered elbow-sofa, Mari and Femme among them, gnashing salted piñas crackers and sipping cosmopolitans. They are staring at a trio of horny Canadians merging into a soft-porn show at the bar. Bébé, a stuffed-sausage in black and rhinestones, is kissing Garçon, a young-buckish dud. As the two suck on each other's tongues, Homme, a pervy corporate ordinary, massages her low-slung buttocks. Mari, a pretentious firebrand, asks his crew of pseudo-bohemians something, they laugh maniacally, and he staggers up to the bar and taps Homme on the shoulder.

MARI: Hey (addressing Homme), what's going on here? What are you guys doing over here? We all want to know what's going on. My friends say you're on "Elimidate," but I said there aren't any cameras. What's the story? You know these two? (He points at Bébé's gyrating ass.)

HOMME: Oh yeah, this is my friend and his wife. They just got married.

BÉBÉ: (She turns toward Mari lasciviously, flushed and freckled, and limply waves her jeweled hand at him.) Hi (she mouths).

MARI: I see (smirking), how nice for them (staring back at Bébé's round and wobbling ass cheeks cupped in Homme's hands). And you're here for their honeymoon?

HOMME: Oh, no...we're on business. We're just having a little fun, you know? I just gotta try to hold on. (Bébé has her little pot belly pressed between Garçon's legs and looks like she is slipping down his crotch.) We do this all the time.

MARI: What? You're kidding, right? What are you talking about? (The vodka suddenly breaks to his head and he feels like he is in a movie.) Is this part of some Internet thing? What are you, swingers?

HOMME: We're Canadian.

MARI: What? What are you talking about? What do you mean... you're Canadian? Are you kidding?

HOMME: No, really, here (he pulls his bulging wallet from he front pocket and flashes his Canadian ID). You see? (Mari tries to focus on the card and stares at it for too long.) Canadian citizen. Right here (he points at the ID).

MARI: Wait. I don't get it.

HOMME: That's because you're American. Americans are too close-minded. My wife has a friend. I have a friend. Sometimes we have parties. You should open your mind, man, (he gets incredibly serious and taps his temple) open your mind and you'll have a lot of fun. Look (he nods at Bébé), nice, right? Lucky guy. (They both look at her ass pushed back like a tabletop.) Go 'head. Grab it. She won't mind.

MARI: Uh, no. No thank you. I'm... married.

HOMME: I'm married too. It's OK. Come on. Open up your mind. Have a little fun.

MARI: My wife is right there.

HOMME: Where? Where is she?

FEMME: (She walks up behind Mari, runs her hand up his back and kisses him on the neck. She is dark almond and olive and smells like Channel No. 5.) I'm going to the bathroom. Having fun over here? (She smiles and grazes her lovely lady lumps past him, into the bathroom.)

HOMME: All right! Let's go. You should have told me! (He pretends like he is going to follow her into the bathroom. Mari bristles.)

MARI: Stop it.

HOMME: Oh, come on. You got a beautiful wife. Open your mind. I'm not gay, don't worry about that. I mean, you look good. I mean you're kind of hot, like Wilmer Valderrama, but I'm not into that. I'm not gay.

MARI: Right. You're Canadian.

HOMME: That's right. And you can be Canadian too. (He laughs and squeezes Bébé. She whimpers.)

MARI: No. Stop it. My wife's Cuban and I'm... confused.

(2006-02-28)

Also by Fred Sasaki

The Agony and the Ecstasy
"We've got that animal lust thing going on, you know."
(2006-02-14)

Love and Sex: Waxing Poetic
My wife came home from the salon the other day with what looked like an angry bird between her legs. A little enraged, roseate, and dashed with baby powder, her bird winked at me in an unknown way and I suddenly realized that, after ten years together, I had never seen her so naked. She had had her first Brazilian Wax and I was soon to discover how glad I'd be about it
(2006-02-07)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
What are you talking about? Are you talking about prostitutes? My God. Gross.
(2005-12-13)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
I have many sports cars. They are very beautiful and very fast. Perhaps I will ride you in one of my many sports cars
(2005-10-25)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-10-04)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-09-27)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-08-23)

976-POET
(2005-07-26)

Animals of the Wild
(2005-05-24)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-04-26)

Conversation Hearts
(2005-03-15)

Mother, May I?
(2005-02-08)

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