Sam Weller

When it comes to Chicago media, I am a multi-volume encyclopedia of worthless information--a bona fide nerd. I'm an addict for television news, talk radio, newspapers, magazines, web sites, blogs and podcasts. I can tell you the names of all the weekend meteorologists. I can tell you the complete daily schedule of WGN radio (now that's embarrassing). I know which newspaper columnists have written books and what TV anchorman fronts his country western band. (The answer to this last question, for example, is retired Channel 7 anchor Joel Daley who, incidentally, is now the Dean of External Affairs at the John Marshall Law School.)

Why I know this shit is beyond me.

My fixation with Chicago media began during my pre-teen years, in the late 1970s, when Jimmy Carter was still president and Pope John Paul II came to Chicago like the second coming of the Beatles. Fahey Flynn was still reigning king of local anchors and Frazier Thomas handled duties as both host of "Family Classics" and as Ringmaster of "Bozo's Circus."

Linda Yu was on Channel 7 back then, too, and, come to think of it, she looks the same now, a blessed beneficiary of good genes or Botox, or both. Back then, I read the Tribune's "Inc." column more religiously than my homework. My high-school transcripts can prove it. I also read Royko and Verdi and tuned in to Steve and Garry and Roy Leonard and the "Sports Writers On TV" and, well, you get the picture. Current Channel 5 weatherman Brant Miller was a deejay on WLS-FM radio back then. I used to call him every night and ask him to play KISS. He never did.

And it is this long habituation with all things local media that puts me in the position to serve up some steaming unsolicited advice to the myriad program directors, station managers, anchors, hosts and scribes who make this a great media town. You didn't ask, but here it is--couch-potato wisdom from an admitted media dork. If your Nielsen numbers tick upwards during this all-important February sweeps period, you're welcome.

Advice for WGN radio's John Williams:

A few years ago, some erstwhile caller dialed the John Williams radio show on WGN-AM 720 and commented on the uncanny auditory similarities between Williams' voice and that of actor Alan Alda. Now, when dial surfing my car radio and landing on the Williams show (something I try not to do, I promise), I can't get the Alda comparison out of my leaden skull. It's Hawkeye Pierce yammering endlessly about his Sudoku obsession or tossing it to Anne Maxfield for traffic. "Hey Annie, how far is from it from the Bishop Ford to the 4077th?"

So my advice for John Williams? Run your microphone through a filter or an EQ and alter your pipes. Please, I can't get Alda out of my mind.

Wisdom for Roe Conn, host of the Roe Conn show on WLS-AM 890 radio:

More unwelcome radio advice. One day not so long ago, Roe Conn was hilarious. He still has his moments. I'm the first to admit that I'd happily hit off the Friday Canarble Wagon any Friday I'm invited. But who told this guy he should start espousing his conservative political views on air? Like we need another Red State windbag on the Big 89? Please, Roe, no more old-man, Republican, Cheney-lovin', I'm-a-patriot-only-if-I'm-on-the-right flatus. Leave that to Limbaugh. It's not funny. Comedy, Roe. Not politics.

And if I'm gonna tell the truth, and we all know it hurts... you were better with your former partner. With all due respect to Bruce Wolf, Bill Leff and the coolest cheesehead newsman this side of Sheboygan, Jim Johnson, the chemistry just ain't there.

And speaking of Roe Conn's former partner...

Attention all radio-station general managers citywide: Someone hire Garry Meier. In May 2004, the once-partner of Steve Dahl and then-partner of Roe Conn bungled his contract negotiations and blew a reported ten-year, $12 million deal. In the process, Meier fired his agent, Todd Musberger, and hired in his place his wife, commercial realtor Cynthia Fircak. The rest is the stuff of Chicago radio lore. WLS honchos insisted that Meier walked away from their final offer and hasn't had a radio job since. But all über-stupid negotiating acumen aside, Garry Meier, when paired up with a strong partner, is gold. He's dry. He's smart. He knows Chicago. With the Loop recently bringing back Jonathon Brandmeier, it seems like a no-brainer to find a slot for Meier. Advice for the WLUP powers that be: Sign Garry Meier soon. And what the heck, pair him up with Jim Johnson.

Advice for Garry Meier:

Dude, I love my wife. Seriously. But I would never have her negotiate my financial affairs. There's an old maxim about mixing business and family. Look it up and get back on the air, pronto.

Suggestion for WMAQ-TV Big Wigs:

When Channel 11 let Bob Sirott walk away from "Chicago Tonight" this past December, someone made a very big blunder. I hope there's a woodshed behind the studio at 5400 North St. Louis Avenue and someone gets a firm spanking. Indeed, in the interest of full disclosure, Mr. Sirott's wife (former Fox anchor and current WCKG personality) Marianne Murciano is one of my graduate students at Columbia College. But personal connections aside, the ratings numbers were up at TTW under Sirott's tenure and, more importantly, he had brought a Kuraltian warmth to a formerly stiff, mostly local political gabfest. To be sure, co-host Phil Ponce is a capable and skilled reporter, but Sirott guided the show with a fireside coziness that is already sorely missed.

But TTW's loss is MAQ's gain. This past January, Bob Sirott signed on as weekend anchor on Channel 5. In an effort to help make the lives of the decision-makers at WMAQ just a little easier, here's what they should do with Bob Sirott:

Let him bring back his late, lamented "Friday Night Show," a half-hour, long-form interview with a notable celeb with local ties. This is perfect late-late-night fare, sort of what Bob Costas used to do on a national level. And it's what Sirott does best. Along with his end-of-newscast "One More Thing" commentaries which leads to, well, one more thing:

Move Sirott off the anchor desk for his tight little commentaries so the news team isn't just sitting there with their hands between their legs. Take it to his desk circa early-eighties Walter "Skippy" Jacobson. Hire Tribune senior staffer Rick Kogan for set design. Let him come in and smoke a couple hundred cigarettes, throw some papers around, fill a couple tumblers with whiskey and you've got a real Chicago journalist--shirtsleeves rolled up, tie-loosened, telling it like it is.

Advice for the Tribune:

Enough of Red Eye. I'm a media whore and I never once bought this rag when it was for sale and don't even open the box now that it's free. In fact, the only time I can recall seeing anybody reading this thing is when they picked it up off the piss-slicked floor of a CTA elevated train to while away the time between stops. This is some serious waste of paper, folks. And the content is an affront even to the frat-boy/sorority-sister-turned-young-professional target demographic--even if they're just looking for the latest scoop on Bradgelina.

Psst... Hey Sneed:

To wit, stop it with the annoying colloquialisms!

Advice for Joe Ahern, President and General Manager of WBBM-TV, Channel 2:

After captaining Channel 7 from 1985 to 1997 and leading the station to the top of the local news ratings heap, it appeared that President and General Manager Joe Ahern had the Midas touch. So when Ahern signed on under the same title with Channel 2 in 2002, it remained to be seen if he could work his magic twice. Ahern quickly went on a spending spree, luring over such high-profile talking heads as Rosanne Tellez, Randy Salerno and the coup de main, Diann Burns from Channel 7, who was promptly signed to a Powerball-sized contract. Ahern added an emphasis on community visibility, mandating that anchors and reporters start riding on more parade floats, and that they play a more active role in the city they are covering.

All this has lead to a gentle upswing in ratings for the first time in god-knows-how-long for CBS 2. Throw in strong newscast lead-in programming and Channel 2 (or "the Deuce" as Bill Kurtis used to call it) is actually edging out of the bottom of the ratings dumper--a fetid location it has called home for years.

But there's one thing still missing. And so, some advice for the man with the Midas touch: Find some way to cultivate actual chemistry between your news teams. And do it fast. Right now all the newscasts come off like skunked beer, flat and mildly putrid. Allow some personalities to shine. Do these people even know each other? It doesn't feel like it. Think Matt and Katie and Ann and Al. Send the morning team off to do live neighborhood remote broadcasts from all around the city. Get them out there together. Make Antonio and Diann appear side by side as often as humanly possible at community events. These two need to spend some off-camera time fostering a real relationship.

Advice for would-be radio station owners:

In the 1920s, Chicago was the epicenter for jazz music. Many of the great artists flocked here to perform, to record, to establish their names forever. So why don't we have a real 24-hour jazz station? All apologies to the legion of Kenny G fans, but WNUA just doesn't blow my alto. I know, I know, the corporate-media giants will tell you that jazz doesn't make money. Who cares? Someone needs to remind the suits of the world that money follows passion. A jazz station will thrive in Chicago, trust me. Just hire WBEZ jazz purists Richard Steele and Dick Buckley and the Windy City will, once again, be the center of it all.

In the end, perhaps this La-Z-Boy tip sheet for local media poobahs is too-little-too-late wisdom for an archaic breed doomed, many pundits would say, to the fate of the dinosaurs. After all, newspaper readership is down (paid weekday readership is down by 2.6 percent according to a November 2005 report by the Audit Bureau of Circulations). So are the numbers for local television news. With the addition of satellite radio, the proliferation of cable news networks, along with the ever-multiplying number of Internet outlets, mass media could well be spread too thin and on the verge of a massive implosion.

But I think not. Instead, I believe the longevity of the Chicago media landscape rests with a backward, nostalgic glance to yesterday when things were less complicated, and the media was comprised of characters who often exuded a warmth and gave a sense of connection to their audience. The future might just well rest in the past. And one thing is for certain when it comes to tomorrow's local media milieu: I'll be watching.

And, ten, twenty, even fifty years from now, Linda Yu will be there, too.

(2006-02-21)

Also by Sam Weller

Coming of Age
At least two hundred people are transfixed, bathed in flickering blue light, eyes agog, starring upwards, a glaze of half horror, half arousal
(2005-05-24)

Waiting game
It's two in the afternoon on Sunday. A small crowd has gathered on the second floor of the Uptown Borders bookstore. They are waiting on John Waite
(2005-02-22)

KID ROCK
Any Gen-Xer worth their sugary breakfast cereal knows his voice--even above the din of that silly rabbit. Throughout the seventies, Bob Dorough's leisurely Southern drawl meant Saturday morning.
(2002-03-14)

FEEL THE FORCE
There are others from the "Star Wars" Universe who made it in for the annual Wizard World Comic Book/Multi-media/pop culture/porn (more on this later) all-out, explosive, hyper, titillating, hard-on-inducing (hell, I even got one) convention.
(2001-08-23)

DEAR JOHN
(2001-07-12)

CHEESE WHIZ
(2001-06-21)

ALEX ROSS' FAVES
(2001-04-19)

MAN OF STEEL
(2001-04-19)

THE BATTLE OF MIDWAY
(2001-03-22)

WORD ROOTS: FIRST SPARK
(2001-03-01)

AN OLD PEANUT
(2000-12-28)

AUTHOR VISIT
(2000-09-14)

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