Tom Lynch

103.5 Kiss FM is giving away a free, err, Hummer, to the contestant who keeps their lips locked on the truck the longest, in a promotion seemingly unaware of its salacious subtext. Harlem-Irving Plaza shopping mall, or the awesomely abbreviated HIP, hosts the contest, a giant truck getting tongue service between a cookie store and a Carson's. At mid-day--the marathon started at 6am--about twelve contestants remain standing from the original twenty-five, lip-locked and uncomfortable. They get no food. No water. No bathroom breaks. Is it the $5,000 prize that keep them going? The chance to take home a Hummer in a raffle? Though it would be spectacular to see a grown woman piss her pants for a truck, it doesn't happen today.

A crowd has gathered to watch, which is quite surprising, considering there's virtually no aural or visual stimulation from the contest whatsoever. Three teenage girls sip their specialty coffee. "This is kind of disgusting," one deadpans, much to the laughter of the crowd. Kiss FM representatives circle the truck to make sure everyone's lips are still in contact with the vehicle. One contestant listens to her iPod, surely making everyone else kick themselves for not thinking of that as well.

Now the pizzas are here. To make matters worse, the Kiss FM employees shovel a dozen pizzas into their bellies, the smell hitting the truck-tonguers like, well, a speeding Hummer. This is a gonna be a long night.

(2006-02-14)

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