Fred Sasaki

CHARACTERS

BARTENDER, A young, slim, two parts charming, one part handsome bartender.

NEWLYWED, An almost-middle-aged longhaired redhead with puppy-dog eyes.

LOCAL DRUNK, A three-hundred-pound sulking sludge dumpster.

All of the action takes place across a bar.

SCENE: The bar is amber hued with zebra paraphernalia everywhere. Bartender is slicing lemons. Local Drunk is hunched over his drink, staring at his Vienna sausage hands. A cigarette lingers with a three-inch ash in his ashtray. Newlywed walks into the lounge with a tremendous sigh, letting down her hair, then shoulders, as she approaches the bar. She sits at a stool and Bartender places a glass before her. "Lemon Tree," by the Wailers, plays seductively ("Lemon tree, very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon, is impossible to eat...")

BARTENDER: Hey Jo. What do you know? Can I get you a cocktail?

NEWLYWED: Oh (exasperated) I need one. I'm totally broke. You know? I tell you. Sometimes. (She pulls out a cigarette and fishes in her bag for a light. Bartender pulls one out with a flash.) Thanks.

BARTENDER: What'll it be?

NEWLYWED: Anything with vodka. With a lemon. I'll pay you later, I promise.

BARTENDER: So. How's married life treating you?

NEWLYWED: (She exhales exaggeratedly.) Oh, you know. The honeymoon's over. That's how it goes I guess. (Local drunk moans.)

BARTENDER: (Singing) "Don't put you faith in love, my boy, my father said to me. I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely lemon tree."

NEWLYWED: What's that supposed to mean? You mean I should make lemonade or something?

BARTENDER: Never mind. How was Vegas?

NEWLYWED: Oh, you know. It was Vegas. We got really drunk. Really really drunk. We played some games. Lost a lot of money. I slept a lot. Arjay was out playing all night most nights. He said he gets insomnia in Vegas.

BARTENDER: And you got married. Really really married. I told you not to get too drunk.

NEWLYWED: We would have done it sometime anyways. You know? It was like, well, we either do it or we don't. You know?

BARTENDER: D'you get married by Elvis?

NEWLYWED: Yea, we actually did. It was kind of neat, and sweet in a way. We did a drive-thru. It was cool. We got rum slushies and everything. It was kind of sweet. Arjay went and vacuumed the car before and everything. Got some of that coconut spray and did Armor-all. I don't know. I kind of always thought it'd happen that way.

BARTENDER: Where is old Arjay, anyways?

NEWLYWED: Oh, I don't know. He's been, well, he's been drinking again. You know. And pills. And smoking. And God knows. He maxed out my credit card. Our card, now. Twenty-five hundred dollars. Lost his job.

BARTENDER: He's Latin School, right?

NEWLYWED: His father cut him off.

BARTENDER: Sucks for him.

NEWLYWED: His dad said he needed to straighten up. It was his dad who fired him. Imagine.

BARTENDER: Yeah, imagine. Tough for him.

NEWLYWED: Oh, come on. He's a good guy.

BARTENDER: Right. So what'd he spend all your money on anyways?

NEWLYWED: Oh, he's been feeling real down lately, so he goes to some spa all the time.

Local drunk perks up at the word, "spa." He shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head as if awakened by a prince's kiss. He flexes his fingers around his drink and takes it back in one sip. He motions and moans to Bartender.

BARTENDER: He goes to a spa? Wait a minute. What kind of "spa" does he go to? (He moves toward Local Drunk and fills his glass. Local Drunk moans once more, takes a long sip and is lit. )

LOCAL DRUNK: Good old rub n' tug. Got to love it. Umm Hmm. Nothing wrong with a little rub n' tug. Used to go to this place in Chinatown. Nasty little place. Swear there was chicken shit everywhere. Cats and shit. Dogs. But my God, got to love `em. Best there is is Koreans. Those Ruskies and Polacks know a think about knobbin', but them Koreans, they really know how to give a massage, by God. They got that technique. Like a kneading, fisting thing. With the two hands, God bless `em. I always say, "You like American dough?" They don't get the joke.

NEWLYWED: What are you talking about? Are you talking about prostitutes? My God. Gross. What's that have to do with anything?

BARTENDER: Josie. Really. Think about it. What kind of "spa" is this?

NEWLYWED: I don't know. It's like "AAA Spa" or something. It helps him. What's wrong with that? What, do you think it's gay or something? Get over it. There's nothing wrong with a guy pampering himself a little.

LOCAL DRUNK: Like I always said, I knew that getting married meant sex with the same person for the rest of my life. I just didn't know that that one person would be me. (He swallows a belch. Bartender and Newlywed look at Local Drunk with disgust. Local Drunk flexes his fingers nervously. ) What?

BARTENDER: Josie. Come on. What do you think he gets done at this "spa"?

NEWLYWED: I don't know. Facials?

(2005-12-13)

Also by Fred Sasaki

The Agony and the Ecstasy
I have many sports cars. They are very beautiful and very fast. Perhaps I will ride you in one of my many sports cars
(2005-10-25)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
What, are you just some pony-boy? Some pretty pony-boy? What are you, a pretty pony-boy?
(2005-10-04)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
If you don't say that it's the best hand job you ever got, I'll give you your money back
(2005-09-27)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
As I see it, the only way you can get even is to give her equally bad and unsatisfying head
(2005-08-23)

976-POET
(2005-07-26)

Animals of the Wild
(2005-05-24)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
(2005-04-26)

Conversation Hearts
(2005-03-15)

Mother, May I?
(2005-02-08)

Fiction Review
(2005-01-04)

Nonfiction Review
(2004-12-14)

Okay life
(2004-07-20)

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