Fred Sasaki

CHARACTERS

YOUNG MAN, Slightly Jewish thirtysomething.

YOUNGER MAN, Slightly ethnic twentysomething.

All of the action takes place on a third floor Edgewater balcony.

SCENE: The two men are sitting on lawn chairs, smoking cigarettes and drinking Chardonnay. The balcony is almost completely dark except for a CD/radio pulsing blue light in time with a Fela Kuti bass line.

YOUNGER MAN: My first blowjob? Well, that I remember vividly. It wasn't very good.

YOUNG MAN: Didn't Woody Allen say that there's no such thing as a bad orgasm? That the worst one he ever had was right on the money?

YOUNGER MAN: Well, I didn't have an orgasm. She just kind of breathed on it. I really couldn't feel anything. I thought I'd go soft.

YOUNG MAN: Sucks for you. Or not.

YOUNGER MAN: The whole thing was so awkward. Not the relationship. It was a tender sort of romance. We'd mostly just lay on my futon and listen to Harry Connick Jr. The blowjob was just one of those things. I figured that I had to have at least one before college. I remember talking with this guy in my class, about how I really wanted a blowjob. He said that I should just ask. He told me to just ask her and she'd just do it. He said that's what he did.

YOUNG MAN: You asked?

YOUNGER MAN: Yea. She said that she was afraid I'd ask that. She said that she'd think about it. A few dates later I asked her if she had thought about what I had asked. She said she did. Then she went down.

YOUNG MAN: Just like that?

YOUNGER MAN: Just like that. I should say that she's Jewish. As you know, I'm uncircumcised. And I'd always been anxious about how a girl would react to my extra, rather, uncropped skin...

YOUNG MAN: Especially when she's a Jewess.

YOUNGER MAN: Yes. I was so anxious that, after I took my pants down, I felt like I had to say something. So as she's going down I say, "As you can see, I'm not Jewish."

YOUNG MAN: No you didn't.

YOUNGER MAN: I did. She kind of laughed on it.

YOUNG MAN: Then breathed on it.

YOUNGER MAN: Right. We broke up shortly thereafter, because of school, and I only realized, when it was too late, that I should have reciprocated.

YOUNG MAN: You mean you never went down on her? I'm sure she expected something. At least a little fressing.

YOUNGER MAN: It never occurred to me.

YOUNG MAN: You suck.

YOUNGER MAN: Or not.

YOUNG MAN: Did you ever tell her?

YOUNGER MAN: Are you crazy? No. Of course not. But I feel like I should. Like I should at least acknowledge my oversight. I feel like I owe her cunnilingus. But what would I say? "Um, remember when we used to go out in high school? Yea, well, remember when you gave me oral sex? Yea, well, I realized somewhat after the fact that you probably expected me to eat you out..."

YOUNG MAN: That would make things much better. You know, you should probably call her right now. She's probably having the same conversation this very moment.

YOUNGER MAN: Something tells me it wouldn't go over well.

YOUNG MAN: Maybe not. Is Ms. Blowjob married?

YOUNGER MAN: Yes. But it's kind of like credit after a bank error, isn't it? Like retribution or something. It doesn't count.

YOUNG MAN: Something tells me Mr. Blowjob won't buy that. Plus, if you say that she just kind of breathed on you, and that you didn't come, won't you have to do the same?

YOUNGER MAN: You're right. I never thought of that. I'd have to just pant on her or something. I'd be back in the same situation. Then I'd have to apologize for that.

YOUNG MAN: Exactly. And if you employed all the expertise you've accrued over the years and do in fact bring her to climax, what then?

YOUNGER MAN: What a dilemma! Then she'd have to blow me all over again. We'd be right back to square one!

YOUNG MAN: As I see it, the only way you can get even is to give her equally bad and unsatisfying head. Then you'll get your head blown off by Mr. Blowjob and be remembered as a panting and insensitive gentile.

YOUNGER MAN: Oy vey.

(2005-08-23)

Also by Fred Sasaki

976-POET
It's no surprise that a poet could become addicted to or at least have flings with phone sex
(2005-07-26)

Animals of the Wild
Summer in the Gold Coast glistens with silicone and inches. It's irresistible. It's expensive. It's excess at its best
(2005-05-24)

The Agony and the Ecstasy
So he comes to the door and we have these two gorgeous women--two classy high-class escorts open the door and bring him inside
(2005-04-26)

Conversation Hearts
My husband likes to call me slut and whore . . .
(2005-03-15)

Mother, May I?
(2005-02-08)

Fiction Review
(2005-01-04)

Nonfiction Review
(2004-12-14)

Okay life
(2004-07-20)

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