Marissa Duke

"The most important thing," Sonia explains, "is to get it really wet."

I squeal, half from girly giddiness and half from disgust. "What else?"

"Just use your hand. That way you don't need to take it all in."

The truth is, I hate blowjobs. I get nauseous just at the thought. Much to the disappointment of all boys, I ignore their "subtle" hints leading me down... there. When I'm with a guy, it becomes a tug of war--a routine I've grown accustomed to. He leans back letting his eyes and body language make suggestions, and I play the dumb girl who just doesn't get it. Eventually he gives up. And I don't have to touch his penis.

It just seems so unnatural. I love kissing and I love sex, but merging mouth and genitals makes as much sense as putting ketchup on ice cream.

If I only had to say "no" to giving head, it would be easy. There are so many excuses. (I'm sorry, but I just brushed my teeth. Oh, I'm a vegetarian; I don't like any meat in my mouth.) Boys usually understand pretty quickly, and most could live with that. Whether they spill into a mouth, a vagina, or a towel, their orgasm is the same.

But when I say I don't like oral sex, I mean giving or receiving.

My ex-boyfriend, Jay, would get so upset when I refused to let him go down on me. I could always see it coming. While we were kissing, he'd "miskiss" my lips and kiss my chin, my neck and my collar bone instead, ever so painfully slowly making his way down past my bellybutton. I'd stop him there.

"Why won't you let me go down on you?" he'd murmur, still gently nudging my hands away as I tried to bring him back up.

"Because it's icky."

"Stop being so damn self-conscious," he'd explode.

"Wow, you sure know how to put a gal in the mood."

"I'm not joking, Marissa. It's not normal."

Untrue. "Most guys don't know how to do it," says Elle during one of those Friday-night-turning-into-Saturday-morning 4am "Sex and the City"-wannabe gossip sessions. "Of course we don't like it then!" She thinks for a minute. "It might be unfair because a mouth is more like a hole than a tongue is like a dick."

"In fact, Elle, a mouth is a hole," I remind her.

"But it's probably harder for them. Oh shut up, you know what I mean."

When guys find out my little secret, they first take it as a personal insult and then as a challenge. Once I had a guy literally force it on me. Perhaps he had the best intentions, but no means no, no matter what the sentiment. And no, I didn't enjoy it: His tongue felt like a live sardine between my legs.

My male friends say that going down on a girl really turns them on. This I don't get. How can going down on me rev some guy's engine, but going down on him just makes me want to vomit? I doubt I am that hot.

My friends like to tease me about my oral aversion, which normally turns into a drunken discussion about the merits of sex.

"It makes the whole thing more selfish. Most guys only give to receive. It always matters who goes first. Some girls are like, `I won't do it unless he does it to me first.' It's like you're taking turns or doing favors," the girls say.

"That's the point," boys respond.

"But when you're having sex, it's mutual."

"Just sixty-nine!" exclaim the clever boys.

"Sixty-nine is, like, for animals. There's no eye contact. Eye contact is important."

"It's better to give than to receive."

"It's still icky!" I interject on the girls' side.

The bases, as they stood in high school, were as follows: First base = kissing, second base = touching, third base = oral, and a home run...well, you go all the way.

In Marissa-ball, I skip third base; in fact, I don't play with one at all. Some boys try to steal third, but they're quickly out. When I'm ready, those who know how to play go from second to home. This may seem like a big jump, but for me, straight sex makes more sense than oral.

Jay erred in thinking this was all about self-consciousness. I mean, it is, sort of, but only a little. You can't help the thoughts from creeping into your conscious, thoughts like what if I smell funny? Did I remember to shave? Do I look fat from down there? What if I have some freak vagina and it's really not supposed to look like that? But from what I hear, orgasming is the greatest pleasure in the world. I'm not going to give that up because I forgot to get a bikini wax. Sex is more intense, but oral sex is much more intimate, and that is the real issue. Your privates are called privates for a reason, and I don't want anyone inspecting mine so closely. (2005-08-09)

Also by Marissa Duke

The Agony and the Ecstasy
Refusing to let men use us, we use them. For their penises
(2005-07-26)

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