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 Animals of the Wild Your guide to the Gold Coast Safari
Summer in the Gold Coast glistens with silicone and inches. It's
irresistible. It's expensive. It's excess at its best. The anthem is
captured in the thrum of crotch-rocket engines, custom Harleys, and
thumping Hummers; the palette is bright lacquered Italian roadsters,
artificial flush, canned tans and Louis Vuitton; the fragrance a dank
sweet mix of grease traps, bad taps, cigarettes, exhaust and eau de
parfum. It's overwhelming at times and in order to fully appreciate the
animals on display it is important to not only find a nice café chair on
which to sit and whiff the haute culture, but to embark on your
people-watching primed to recognize the most distinguishing
characteristics of the myriad species of the Côte d'Or. The following is
an abridged anthropological guide to the neighborhood--perfect for the
novice and initiated alike. Androgynous Narcissist
These plasticized androgynes are asexual, poisonous to the touch, and
easily recognized by their bright highlights and acrid perfumes.
Streamlined with sharp noses and swollen lips and breasts, they are
outfitted in LYCRA® and are highly flammable. They are expressionless
and often mistaken for mannequins. Usually found smoking and gossiping
in front of department stores and salons, one should never approach them
for fear of botulism. Eye contact is to be avoided at all costs. Barely Legal Suburbanite
A migratory breed, these starlings are the infant seeds of suburban
mediocrity. Rosy-cheeked and candy-scented with asymmetrical hems,
necklines and haircuts, they are seen sneaking into clubs and giving
indiscriminate blowjobs. They are smiley and bejeweled and make eyes
with any man over 5'8". They constantly ask, "Why does every guy want
to talk to me?" They spontaneously kiss each other in front of
cell-phone cameras. Bugaboo Baby Mamma
This is the nuclear mama 3000. Seen with the Bugaboo Baby Daddy only
on the weekend, she enjoys her strolls, Starbucks and stopgap shopping
with the utmost economy. She looks at no one, stops for nothing and can
turn her stroller (equipped with mosquito netting and all-weather tarp)
on a dime. During the first months of her baby's infancy she nurses
openly and power-walks her carriage (with optional parasol) while
wearing tight-fitting tanks that say, "Got Milk?" Chicago Girl
The native counterpart to the Mousse-Headed Guy-Guy [see
Mousse-Headed Guy-Guy], the Chicago Girl is, like, the perennially
prized conquest. Her blooms change annually whether it be bubblegum-pink
skin-tight Ts, leg warmers, Chanel-like sunglasses, or metallic handbags
and sandals. She is invariably blonde, thin or promiscuous, and has hair
cut after the current it-girl. Her common calls are, like,
"Whatever," "Oh ma Gawd!" "Yea right" and "That is
so interesting." She loves beer and French fries and is easily
coerced to down sugary shots. Khaki Man-of-Kin
This well-ironed sect of the male species wears khaki pleated pants
with tucked blue button-downs interminably. Impeccably groomed and in
order, everything is practical and mother-approved down to the
monogrammed laptop bag. They can be seen everywhere with their hands in
their pockets, nodding, "right, right, yea, right." The Khaki
Man-of-Kin is similar to, but not to be confused with, the Corporate
Bruise--a slightly more sinister breed whose only differentiating
characteristic is black-pleated pants. L'homme avec un petit chien
This is a walking, talking, poop-scooping personal ad. He likes long
walks in the park, everything except country music, doesn't smoke, just
bought a one-bedroom new-construction condo, and feels no need to assert
his manhood (he easily confesses to keeping his first stuffed animal by
his bedside). He is unassuming and deceptively attractive in cargo
pants, pique polo, and ball cap. He makes a great wedding date, is a hit
at barbecues, and wonderful with parents and small children. To him the
entire world is seen in terms of his dog (i.e. we all just want a
belly-rub). Luminous Silicide (a.k.a. Spent-Star)
From afar, the Luminous Silicide looks the star. And like a star
whose light may have been extinguished eons ago, it is only at twenty
feet that her over-age betrays her. From behind or in the right light,
her taught musculature, generous appendages, and Forever 21 attire makes
her the quintessential Venus flytrap. She often plays the part of
diva-starlet avoiding the paparazzi by donning dark glasses and hats. Mousse-Headed Guy-Guy
Perhaps the most prevalent of the neighborhood species, akin to the
urban pigeon, the Mousse-Headed Guy-Guy can be seen wandering Division
or anyplace with disco lights and copious amounts of midriff. The
Guy-Guy is easily discernable by his simple-to-spot traits: he wears
unwashed fashion jeans with un-tucked, loosely buttoned Banana Republic
button-downs that are often French cuffed sans cuff links; his hair is
at attention and haphazardly styled as a sign of his wild and fertile
stiffness; his skin color is white to various shades of orange-bronze.
Common calls are, "Sa-weet," "Dooode," and "Check-it
out." Ruffle-Breasted Puffer
Of the older set in the Gold Coast, the Ruffle-Breasted Puffer is a
migrating suburban bird found browsing Oak Street during the afternoon
hours just before and after high tea. Egg-shaped and top-heavy, the
Puffer's chest is feathered with superfluous ruffles. Their meaty arms
are usually exposed and their legs are covered with spandex-like
leotards. Their pointy heels clack nervously when flirting with busboys
and maitre d's. At sunset they cluster in droves and gorge at H&M and
the Cheesecake Factory.
Also by Fred Sasaki The Agony and the Ecstasy
Conversation Hearts
Mother, May I?
Fiction Review
Nonfiction Review
Okay life
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