Fred Sasaki

CHARACTERS

FAT MAN, A.K.A "The Salmon." A fat rich gambler.
FAT WIFE, the Fat Man's wife disguised as a leopard-print blanket.
BALD MAN, a wriggling druid worm.
YOUNG MAN, nondescript.

All of the action takes place around a table of chips and spinach dip.

SCENE: The apartment is ordinary-bourgeois with lamp-lit art. Partiers are slowly mingling around with paper plates. Steamed beef plumes from the stovetop. Smoke rises from "The Salmon" and is pulled out an open window beside the tabled characters. "The Salmon" is looking them over as Young Man approaches and sits down.


FAT MAN: Who are you?

YOUNG MAN: (Mumbling) Fred.

FAT MAN: Friend? What's this guy say? A Friend? Let me tell you about friends. I had this friend, my best friend, and I said to him--he was turning fifty--I said if you could have anything, and I mean anything for your fiftieth birthday, what would it be?

BALD MAN: A new wife.

YOUNG MAN: A threesome.

FAT MAN: A threesome.

BALD MAN: Of course.

FAT MAN: So I told him, you got it. He didn't believe me. So his birthday comes, we check that his wife is out of town, I call him up and say, it's on. The party is on and your dreams are going to come true. He still thinks I'm putting him on. We get everything ready. Food. Booze. The works. So he comes to the door and we have these two gorgeous women--two classy high-class escorts open the door and bring him inside. They each kissed a cheek. He was speechless. They got on the couch and started rubbing him. Then they got up and led him into the bedroom. An hour-and-a-half later--(Bald Man interrupts).

BALD MAN: An hour-and-a-half? He went that long?

FAT MAN: An hour and a half later he comes out glowing. Glowing. Happy as can be. He comes up to me and says, thank you. This is the best birthday gift anyone's ever given me. He kissed me on the head. You should have seen him. He could have died. Great night. The girls put on shows for us, rubbed him. It was perfect.

BALD MAN: Why didn't you do that for me?

FAT MAN: But you know what he does? After I do that for him? The motherfucker goes out and gets drunk; he comes home all guilty and tells his fucking wife.

BALD MAN: That stupid motherfucker.

FAT MAN: That stupid motherfucker. He feels terrible, he apologizes, tells her that I bought the girls. And you know what? That bitch took him back on one condition. One condition. You know what?

BALD MAN: He stop cheating?

FAT MAN: No. Worse. That he stop seeing me. So long as he doesn't see me anymore, is what she said. My best friend. I lost my best friend. I mean it. And you know what?

BALD MAN: They got divorced.

FAT MAN: Worse. And I'm not saying that he deserved it, but his wife died.

BALD MAN: What? You're kidding me.

FAT MAN: She died. I'm not saying he deserved it but (pushing her head up from her Las Vegas velour the Fat Wife emerges.)

FAT WIFE: She was sick for a long time. She was very ill (staring at Fat Man boldly).

BALD MAN: What'd she die of, cancer?

FAT MAN: Who cares? I don't know, you know (nodding at Fat Wife).

FAT WIFE: She had a terrible infection in her lungs, it--(Bald Man interrupts)

BALD MAN: You should have done that for me. Why didn't you do that for me?

FAT WIFE: That's the same thing I ask him (shaking). Why don't you just have me killed and get yourself a nice 25-year-old? Why don't you just buy yourself a new wife? Why don't you just have me killed? (Clenching her fists.) Why don't you just kill me?

FAT MAN: It's not worth it for me.

FAT WIFE: Why not? You could collect the insurance, buy yourself a 25-year-old. Why don't you just have me killed? You have insurance on me.

FAT MAN: Please. That's nothing. It's just not worth it for me. You think that's anything? What's a hundred thousand dollars? You think I'd risk prison for one hundred thousand? I wouldn't even hire a lawyer over so little. (Pausing. Turing to Bald Man smiling) You see. I can tell her anything. I can say anything to her. I'll tell her anything. But not like my mother-fucking friend (turning to Young Man).

YOUNG MAN: Don't you think, don't you think that sometimes guilt is good? That it can stop us?

FAT MAN: Let me tell you about guilt. Fuck guilt.





(2005-04-26)

Also by Fred Sasaki

Conversation Hearts
My husband likes to call me slut and whore . . .
(2005-03-15)

Mother, May I?
Our Lady of Guadalupe is a glorified vagina
(2005-02-08)

Fiction Review
There is something embarrassing about carrying around this collection, like toting a cartoon lunchbox, but it's just irresistible. With a flash the book announces the latest editorial travail of Michael Chabon billed as an "Enchanted Chamber of Astonishing Stories," no less
(2005-01-04)

Nonfiction Review
This book makes a good stocking stuffer so long as the sock is filled with a nice vintage wine, cigarettes and sordid party favors
(2004-12-14)

Okay life
(2004-07-20)

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