Dave Chamberlain

The presence of Juliette Lewis, not only in a rock `n' roll band but actually playing live in Chicago (April 27 at the Bottom Lounge), brings to the surface memories of several ill-fated, several semi-successful attempts by actors and actresses to enter the arena of music.

Though the reverse seems to work much better (Marky Mark to Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube into the occasional decent acting Ice Cube), when professional actors attempt to make the switch, there are, more often than not, big problems. Below are some of the more notorious efforts. (For insight on Juliette and the Licks, see listings.)

There should be an inserted recording of both William Shatner's and Leonard Nimoy's attempts at music next to the definition of "ironic" in Webster's Dictionary. At least--I think--Shatner knew he was biting off a big piece of the "I" word when he was recording "Has Been" with Ben Folds last year. His strangely alluring, verse-like cant rolls off Capt. Kirk's tongue without even the slightest sense of reflexive awareness. As for Nimoy, he released (and various merciful record labels have since re-released) the absolute classic grand-slam of pop-culture irony, "Mr. Spock's Music from Outer Space," on which he alternates between Shatner's type of verse and actual singing, and both are so bad that even now, nearly forty years later, you're embarrassed for him. It remains amazing to me that some Euro DJ hasn't already jumped on a remix of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Earth." Perhaps this goes without saying, but neither Nimoy nor Shatner made a record that's good in the traditional, literal sense of the word, but both are completely worth having. Rhino was smart enough to compile the best of both from the sixties on the double LP, "Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner," yet another calculation in the theorem that says I have too many records.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum lies Keanu Reeves and his band, Dogstar. Now offhand, I'll usually defend Keanu Reeves' career. He's found a niche in the pretty-man/sci-fi film worlds, even though he already could've lived forever thanks to "Bill and Ted." But that kind of slack doesn't get cut for the music side; Dogstar is unreservedly terrible. Like the last bit of gunk you wipe from corners of your eyes in the morning, Dogstar adhered to a grunge genre already fully encrusted with age. The band's hopefully titled "Happy Endings," its only full-length, wasn't bad enough to be good and hardly good enough to, well, keep.

The first time I heard that Kevin Bacon was indeed one of the Bacon Brothers, I assumed he was doing it so as to expand the nebulous circle of people who make up the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon." But alas, research revealed that KB actually started the band with his brother Michael long before he was semi-famous enough to warrant a part in every movie ever made. That fact doesn't help the final result, though. The Bacon Brothers' three records are a tepid collection of Americana/alt-country efforts with very little bite, worthwhile melody or genuine American heart. The last, "Can't Complain," sounds just as toothless as its title makes it sound.

Perhaps on par with Keanu Reeves all-star effort, Russell Crowe's presence in 30 Odd Foot of Grunts garners far more interest for the band than it deserves. Though the band has an astonishingly genuine fan base (unlike Dogstar, which gathers its ardent supporters from Keanu Reeves fan clubs), this modern equivalent to stadium rock that wears its heart on its sleeve still feels the absence of any genuine musicianship or energy. The band has actually been recording for a decade, and has four records to its credit. Its most recent, "Other Ways of Speaking," was a minor commercial success that led to a moderately successful tour (five straight nights at Chicago's House of Blues), but was a bore that shows Crowe takes himself way too seriously. Case in point: a cover of "Folsom Prison Blues" done as part of a three-song medley to end the record, that I don't think was recorded with any sense of the "I" word.

If you're looking for an actors band that isn't so bad it's good or just straight bad, Phantom Planet--formerly featuring actor Jason Schwartzman--comes closest. In fact, it even doubles the idea, as another band member, Alex Greenwald, starred in "Donnie Darko." Looking for the caveat, searching... there it is: Personally, I think Phantom Planet's candy-shop take on rock `n' roll sounds and smells like a big steaming pile of crap straight out of the ass of a sugar-spun Clydesdale. But I also understand that it's well-produced, sweet-tooth friendly and at least a legitimate attempt to transfer feeling into music. Phantom Planet almost doesn't count, though, as they were playing well before any of the members could've realistically been labeled as professional actors. Not to mention that Schwartzman's departure leaves Greenwald as the band's only actor, and one movie does not an actor make.

(2005-04-19)

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