Tom Lynch

The following is an excerpt from George Orwell's classic 2005 look at the present, "Captured! By Robots Live at the Bottom Lounge":

"Hey Chicago, are you ready for some rock 'n' roll tonight?" asks JBOT, armed with a six-string attached to a keyboard, face masked by prisoner's garb, chains wrapped around his torso, bloody innards falling from his gut. "The thing that will be rolling is your head down the alley after I cut it off!" screams DRMBOT0110 demonically, his neighbor to the right on stage, a firestarter punk-rock drummer with hair bulging out of her eyes.

"Um, could you please lower the robot vocals in the monitors?" JBOT anemically asks the frozen soundman. "No, motherfuckin' bitches, keep it loud, loud, loud!" howls GTRBOT666 with his guitar/bass aligned to simultaneously rip the asses out of metal-seeking loungers. "Shut up, Jew!" shouts DRMBOT0110 again, causing a hush.

"Does anyone take offense to that?" JBOT asks the crowd. Mild nods. "As a Jew myself, I do," JBOT retorts. "Passover's coming up. Better get some lamb's blood."

"Who gives a fuck about that shit?" DRMBOT0110 annihilates, as the band of robots tear into the opening bruiser.

The Headless Hornsmen bots judgmentally stare down at the crowd. The newest addition to the gang, they've recently contradicted (or so one might think) their name and grown noggins. Rumsfeld. Cheney. Bush. All of our favorite big brothers. It's time to get fit with "Abs of Steel." They blow their horns, they force JBOT to dance in the crowd. Everyone frenzies. The robots become stronger. They will defeat us.

(2005-04-19)

Also by Tom Lynch

Tip of the Week
They tell you in school that if you are interested in a peculiar subject, chances are someone else is as well
(2005-04-12)

DVD Review
There are eight "Amityville Horror" films in all, but thankfully, MGM has only included the first three in this box that mirrors this week's release of the remake
(2005-04-12)

Tip of the Week
The country's fascination with celebrities in the eighties, as it pretty much is now, was a big fucking mess
(2005-04-05)

Tip of the Week
I was never really big on Songs: Ohia
(2005-04-05)

Stagecraft
(2005-04-05)

Tip of the Week
(2005-03-29)

Crooked Love
(2005-03-29)

Tip of the Week
(2005-03-22)

Holy Hip-Hop
(2005-03-22)

Author Visit
(2005-03-22)

Tip of the Week
(2005-03-15)

Tip of the Week
(2005-03-15)

about Newcitychicago | about Newcity magazine | advertising | privacy policy | FAQ | employment