Mike Schramm

I served a ham-and-cheese sandwich to Frasier's dad. My co-worker sold the Wilco book to Billy Corgan. I didn't get to see Gollum when he stopped by to sign his book, but I did babysit Steve "Mungo" McMichael, and I got to talk shop with Spike Lee's wife. She stopped by the bookstore/café where I work to sign her novel, and asked me if I had read it. When I said no, she joked that I should have said yes anyway. "I didn't want to lie," I told her, "but, if you want, I could compliment the parts I haven't read. `The ending was great!'" I said with conviction, and got a laugh out of Mrs. Spike Lee.

I deal with fame pretty well, because, after all, I am already kind of famous. I work at a busy bookstore. You've seen my face, and all you have to do is look at my nametag to know my name. I've helped you find that elusive copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," or the new Bright Eyes album, or that DVD that you've been seeking for years. I made your latte (with an extra shot and not too much foam, just like you like it), and I even knew exactly where that book was--"the one with the cover, it's got blue on it," that you needed for your book club. I help customers find what they need every day, and famous customers are no different.

Except for one. I was working on the information desk near the second floor. I was taking my normal trip around, checking to see who needed what and if everything was fine, and when I turned back towards the desk, he was stand there. I'd heard we had a celeb in the store, but he was standing right there at my desk, waiting for me to help him. It was Kurtwood Smith.

The Kurtwood Smith? Doesn't ring a bell? Try "Robocop." Try "Dead Poets Society." Try "Rambo III" AND "Under Siege 2." "Boxing Helena," "Citizen Ruth," "Deep Impact," "Girl, Interrupted." Still don't know him? He's the dad from "That `70s Show." That's right, Red Forman was standing at my information desk.

For some reason I still can't fathom, I lost it. My heart rate jumped, my mouth dried out, my stomach did a flip. I walked over and asked, in a shaky voice, if he needed anything, averting my eyes when possible. He asked if we had any more books in a certain travel section, and I answered with something like "Whatever's over there that's what we have. Over there." He gave me a weird look, and I think I visibly flinched. I tried to salvage it: "Order something, you want?" No, he said, that's fine. Thanks anyway. He didn't actually call me a "dumbass," but I knew he meant it.

Fame is a strange thing. I'm not sure what happened to me. I was able to handle Frasier's dad with ease, Spike Lee's wife with aplomb, even Mungo, Superbowl Shuffle Mongo, was pleased to meet me. But I went gaga over, of all people, Kurtwood Smith. I lost my cool for Clarence Boddicker.

Nevertheless, once the excitement subsided, I realized what he had been looking for. The dad from "That `70s Show" had come into my bookstore looking for travel books. On Wisconsin.

(2005-02-22)

Also by Mike Schramm

Not too many cooks
Francine Godwin, founder of the Loveball Cookie Company, walks into the kitchen in Ravenswood Manor and is amazed. "Wow! It's so empty!"
(2005-02-15)

Go West
The Recording Academy is hosting a Grammy-viewing party at the Hard Rock Hotel, and plenty of dues-paying members have showed
(2005-02-15)

Curtain Call
Watching "Letters/X 2" is like perusing Missed Connections on Craigslist
(2005-02-08)

Cheap inspiration
The Hideout is brimming with Chicago's literati
(2005-01-11)

Umphrey's McGee
(2004-12-21)

Susan Werner
(2004-12-21)

Play with horses
(2004-12-14)

Game boys
(2004-12-07)

Free books
(2004-11-17)

Bringing up Baby
(2004-11-10)

Entrance polling
(2004-10-27)

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