Kate Zambreno

In its most cynical form, the holiday retail Olympics can be reduced to a giant game of "If you show me yours, I'll show you mine."

The season of giving has become the season of returning to get what you really want. It'd be nice to just call it even. I'll buy my iPod, you blow $150 on a pair of Ugg boots, and let's say a quick chant to the gods of consumerism. Ave Marshall Field's. Holy, Holy Bloomie's. Amen. And--break.

But we don't live in shopping utopia; we inhabit a world of the Secret Santa, that game of office sadism where you're annually forced to blow at least a twenty on the coworker you least know. Just buying yourself presents would be considered selfish, and abstaining is just not in the spirit of things. That's not Christmas.

So, you might as well have fun with shopping this season. Get stuff you think they should have; get stuff they can't take back. The trick to buying the perfect present is not to get people on your list what they want, but to give people things they had no idea they wanted. Unless they have circled with furious pink highlighter the beard trimmer of their dreams on page 67 in the Sharper Image catalog, it takes psychic powers to nail down what to get for everyone on your list.

The deadline's looming already, even though the hunt has only just begun. It's easy to become desperate. Temporary holiday retail workers at the local mall watch frantic husbands tear inside the eve before the big night, begging to buy any gift basket thrown at them, regardless of price. They just want something. Anything. When personalized can't be done, it has to be expensive.

Gift certificates are cheating too, unless it's a gift certificate to a place where that person would never dream of spending money. What's the challenge, what's the art, what's the sport, what's thefun in shelling out two-hundred big ones for a gift certificate to the coveted superstore? So, in the spirit of shopping and still not scrooging, here are a few less conventional ideas for your list.

For your insane coworker: Quimby's sells a handmade calendar that's a mock ode to Patty Duke, the TV twin turned poster-woman for manic depression. $7. Quimby's, 1854 W. North, (773)342-0910.

For your car-less yet fashionable city-dweller: Robin Richman sells spectacular antique-looking glittery pocketbooks which, when opened, contain a large black shopping bag. $85. 2108 N. Damen, (773)278-6150.2 2108 N..

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For the animal-rights activist in your life: How about Matt & Nat's vegan wallets, tote bags, handbags, and doctor bags? $53-$68. Shebang,1616 N. Damen, (773) 486-3800.

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For the smelly indie-rock types: Keep your neurotic, macho and ironically unfashionable pals ultra hygienic with Blue Q toiletry kits. Varieties include Virgin/Slut, Wash Away Your Sins, Total Bitch, Tainted Love, Bag O'Balls, and Mullet Party Pack. $22 each. Home Climate, 1702 N. Damen, (773) 862-7075.

For the cinephile in your family: Facets' new-and-improved "Decalogue" set--"The Ten

Commandments"--or a Fassbinder box set, or Criterion's just-released Hitchcock box set. The "Decalogue" set, $99.95 VHS and $79.95 DVD; Fassbinder $79.95; Hitchcock $124.95; all available at Facets,1517 W. Fullerton, (773)281-9075.

For your Secret Santa: Consumable things are always good for office presents. Vivian, owner of Dubby's by the Ounce, is like the Willy Wonka of Wicker Park. Although she warns you that "this isn't dinner," she allows customers to go to town tasting all of the delicious chocolates that she sells by the pound--everything from chocolate-covered blueberries to strawberry licorice to dark chocolate gummy bears--before you buy. She also offers other tasty, and healthier treats, and do-it-yourself gift baskets for the holidays. Your co-worker will love and hate you. 2108 W. Division, (773)645-7100.

For that difficult man in your life: Brother, father, husband, grandfather, it's hard to know what to get. Amy Blessing, who along with sister Sarah runs the Bucktown men's store Apartment Number 9, had some suggestions. Men really do love ties, she says. Her store sells ties by local designer Lee Allison, nice geometric patterns as well as Christmas conversationals. They run about $85. Shaving cream by The Art of Shaving is a good buy for $19, and you can upgrade by also buying the pre-shave oil for $22. "Literally, men have come back and said my face has never felt like this in my life," Amy says. Jack Spade messenger bags are popular this year, ranging from $90-$125, and Fred Perry track jackets ($92 tops, $68 bottom) run intergenerational. 1804 N. Damen, (773)395-2999.

For your Renaissance person: Season tickets to one of the cultural organizations in the city is a good bet, like Steppenwolf Theatre, the home of John Malkovich and Gary Sinise that's become synonymous with Chicago theater. Sampler packages start at $75, four-play subscriptions range from $136-$168, dinner-theatre subscriptions are $236, and gift certificates are available for any amount. Steppenwolf Theatre,1650 N. Halsted, (312) 335-1650.

For the woman who has almost everything: Eskimo chic is totally back in. P.45 sells these completely luxe pinstriped band and popsicle-colored faux fur earmuffs by fury fury for $110. For much more there's also unbelievable matching muffs. Funky Eugenia Kim hats also make for a good gift for the trend-setting fashionista type. 1643 N. Damen, (773)862-4523.

For the aesthete: Arts and literary journal Bridge magazine has come out with its own version of Joseph Cornell's boxes and Andy Warhol's "Time Capsules," selling artwork from more than forty artists, with only 100 boxes made. Call (312)421-2227 to order or visit www.bridgemagazine.org.

For the namedropper: How about merchandise from Chicago hotspots, like a bowling shirt from rock bar Delilah's for $30, or a $15 long-sleeve from Vision Nightclub. Delilah's, 2771 N. Lincoln, (773)472-2771. Vision, 640 N. Dearborn, (312)266-1944.

For the hipster in your life: Ninel Pompushko first made T-shirts for Gay Pride one year. "I just had so much fun watching people's reactions," says the former copywriter. Just this month she opened up The T-Shirt Deli in Bucktown, where you can get a made-to-order T-shirt with everything from glittery Marilyn to Peaches to sayings like "Video Killed the Radio Star" or "I Love Your Wife," with weekly specials that are an ironic take on the headlines. "The idea is to do things that are in the news, like the guy who did those 'Free Winona' shirts," says Pompushko. All T-shirts are sweatshop-free American Apparel--very hip--and there are baby T's too (with sayings like "Punk Ass" and "What Would Baby Jesus Do?") Tees run from $12 for basic to $24 for long-sleeve, then it's $9 for the decal; letters are $1 each. Every purchase comes wrapped up with a bag of chips. 1739 N. Damen, (773)276-6266.

--Additional help by Tim Stelloh

(2003-11-26)

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