Courtney Barnes, Tom Lynch, Margaret Noble, David Orr and Kate Zambreno

Cruising bores you. Graveyards are damp. Coffee stains you, and drugs cause cramp. Drinking's not lawful, malls are awful... Umm, we can't rhyme anything else, and apologize to Dorothy Parker.

Basically, being "not of age" sucks in a country that ships kids fresh from high school off to war but won't let them have a cocktail before they go. We remember. We have hung out at the Rock 'n' Roll McDonalds. We have ordered expensive fried food at the Hard Rock and have had to content ourselves with a virgin daquiri at the Rainforest Cafe. We have been your tired, your bored, your jaded masses walking down Michigan Avenue looking for something to do.

So we came up with some sparkling, refreshing non-alcoholic nightlife alternatives for you, our slightly younger readership, as well as you, our over-21s looking to get back to a time when you had to be more original with evening plans than just grabbing a drink somewhere. Enjoy.

1. Crash a wedding

Fact #1: People get married all the time.

Fact #2: After weddings, people like to party hard-freaking-core.

If you add these two facts together, you get this super-fact: There is almost always a party to be found in the city, held in an easily accessible public place. Even by big nerds who never get invited anywhere. You may not have been invited to this party either, but does that mean you can't extend the happy couple wishes of boundless wealth and reproductive fecundity? Of course it doesn't. You know they're going to have the hottest DJ in town. Name a club where you'll hear "The Hokey Pokey" and "Old Time Rock and Roll" in the same set. Fair warning: this is one trend you want to hop on right now. Just a few weeks ago, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn signed on to star in New Line's "The Wedding Crashers," set for a 2004 release. So get on it!

2. Rock out

Twenty-one-plus rock shows in hipper-than-thou bars and rock clubs are completely overrated, especially since many venues are often all-ages anyway. The major establishments, like the Metro or the Fireside Bowl, have been blowing out rockers' ears for ages now, and things ain't gonna change. While the Fireside is the quickest way into the pleasurable mess of local punk bands, the Metro books all sorts, from the greasy-haired indie monsters to the likes of Duncan Sheik. Plus, if "the rawk" isn't your kind of thing, The Old Town Music of Folk offers folk and jazz concerts, and the Chicago Cultural Center has performances of classical, jazz, folk, electronic and world music throughout the day.

Metro, 3730 N. Clark, (773)549-0203

Fireside Bowl, 2646 W. Fullerton, (773)486-2700

Chicago Cultural Center, 78 E. Washington, (312)744-6630

The Old Town School of Folk, 4544 N. Lincoln, (773)728-6000

3. Strike out

The Diversey River Bowl has an edge on its competitors--it actually makes bowling cool. It's a fresh experience to roll while being blistered by "God Save The Queen," and one that can't be put into words easily--it's kind of like sucking a Jolly Rancher while the dentist cleans your teeth. Parents try to steer their kids away from the devil's music with suggestions like rolling a heavy ball at pins, but Rock 'n' Bowl has tricked the world. They've snuck through the castle gates and invented a new atmosphere, one in which we can bob our heads in musical delight while awaiting our turn. The rock 'n' bowl rocks and rolls until 2 am, but there's league play Monday-Thursday evenings. After 10pm, though, turn the amps to 11.

Diversey River Bowl, 2211 W. Diversey, (773)227-5800

4. Be a roller girl or boy

Racing around in circles really fast is fun. Whether on wheels or blades, skating is a cheap and accessible great time. Groups can have laughs by racing, doing tricks or pushing each other down. Handholding couples can go for a spin to show the world just how cute they are. There is no need to hold back if you have never skated before because after just a little practice you can fly on your own. Ice skating in the city is easily reached; however, some roller-skating rinks require a little drive. But such adventures are well worth the haul for the guilty pleasure of flashing back to the eighties with Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu."

Ice Skating:

Chicago Johnny's Ice House, 1350 W. Madison, (312)226-5555

Daley Bicentennial Plaza, 337 E. Randolph, (312)742-7650

Garfield Park, 110 S. Central, (312)746-4380

Roller Skating:

The Rink Fitness Factory, 1122 E. 87th, (773)221-2600

Batavia Funway, 1335 S River, Batavia, (630)879-8717

Lombard Roller Skating Rink, 201 W. 22nd, (630)953-2400

5. Dance on TV

For those who are sick and tired of dancing alone in their rooms to the mixtapes they wish other people made for them, there is now an answer. Chic-A-Go-Go, Chicago's leading cable-access dance show, features local and non-local bands and the various walk-in guests who dance with them. Wear a costume, bring a lot of friends, and bust a move while the cameras roll. If you need some preparation, the show airs Tuesday at 8:30pm and Wednesday at 3:30pm on cable channel 19. The next taping is on November 15, so clear the date, because the show only tapes a few times a year.

www.roctober.com/chicagogo

Chicago Access Network Studios, 322 S. Green, (312)738-1400

6. Join the club

Slumming it in suburbia isn't as lame as you might fear if you have a good sense of humor. Over-eighteen dance clubs like Zero Gravity and Nitro don't necessarily attract big DJs, but scantily clad high schoolers are sure to make a giggling appearance. Or, if you're up for a different flavor in a more downtown locale, stop by El Cielo for some salsa and meringue dancing on Friday and Saturday nights.

Nitro, 3815 Lake, Stone Park, (708)865-2700

Zero Gravity, Route 53 and 75th, Naperville, (630)985-1111

El Cielo, 3908 N. Lincoln, (773)348-7444

7. Lose your virginity

The guy on your left might smell like he hasn't showered in weeks, and the girl on your right will probably simulate orgasms at random, but keep your eye out for flying toilet-paper rolls and you will survive the night relatively unscathed. Midnight Madness puts on live performances of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Music Box Theater on the first Friday and Saturday of every month, and the cult-favorite cabaret time warps you right back to 1975. Diehard fans will yell and scream and sing along like it's a normal thing to do, but if you play along it can be a riotously funny people-watching experience. Dress up and pretend it's Halloween and you'll really fit in, but beware: Rocky Horror virgins will be deflowered before every show, and it's not always pretty.

Music Box Theater, 3733 N. Southport, (773)871-6604

8. See people naked

What can you do when you turn 18? You can vote. You can smoke cigarettes. You can go to jail forever. And, you can pay some money to see nude women. You don't have to be blitzed to be granted admission to one of Chicago's gentlemen's clubs, you only need to show an ID with the right numbers on it. The big bouncers may scoff, but you'll get in, and you'll spend all your money. Thanks to city laws, you can't mix full nudity with a liquor license, and establishments like the Admiral Theatre and Scarlett's reside inside our city's borders. You can even have lunch at Scarlett's, plus the Admiral has this weird porno video arcade thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Admiral Theatre, 3940 W. Lawrence, (773)478-8111

Scarlett's, 750 S. Clinton, (312)986-1300

9. See people in their underwear

You don't have to live in New York to get a taste of the underground fashion scene. The best of Chicago's up-and-coming designers throw edgy fashion-show parties complete with quirky electronic music and chic scenesters. But, these events are rarely advertised. Local collectively run artist spaces such as the Buddy and Heaven galleries are famous for hosting these clandestine events. A hot one in the works is the Fashion Benders show at the Open-End Gallery on November 22.

Buddy Gallery, 1542 N. Milwaukee, (773)342-7332

Heaven, 1550 N. North Milwaukee, (773)342-4597

Open-End Gallery, 2000 W. Fulton, (312)738-2140

10. Eat great, even late

If you're all out of ideas or you don't feel like being glamorous or it's late and you're starving or you're tired but really don't want to go home or you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend or you could kill for a slice of pie right now or you like writing in notebooks in public places or you love to watch people or you're a regular and would be missed or you forgot something there last night and need to pick it up or you need a place for a late-night rendezvous or you think blueberry pancakes are better at 3am than they are at 9am or you're an insomniac or you have a buck thirty-three in your pocket and a cup of coffee is all that's in your head, go to your neighborhood diner. A quiet night usually makes a better tomorrow.

11. Improv your chances

Those without drinking rights should take comfort in the fact that they can still take part in one of Chicago's great claims to fame. Our history of catapulting comedy's superheroes, like John Belushi and Bill Murray, enriches the possibility that somewhere on our stages a star will be born. ImprovOlympic and both Second City stages offer impressive shows. ImprovOlympic has long-form shows seven nights a week, while The Second City main stage and e.t.c. second stage offer late-night improv every night but Friday. And the best part--the improv shows at Second City are totally free. So, bring a date, have some laughs, and drink some sodas. Drunks shouting out improv suggestions aren't fun anyway.

ImprovOlympic, 3541 N. Clark, (773)880-0199

The Second City, 1616 N. Wells, (312)337-3992

12. Fight evil

Activists do more than raise political awareness--they party. On the Inter-Activist information board, you will find day and night activities involving art and justice. In fact, special-interest clubs for just about everything can be found on the web, ranging from gay and transgender issues to salsa dancing. If social change is your aim, then you can join in on the monthly meetings with the Chicago anarchists or socialists. Or for those of you who are not bleeding-heart liberals, you can rage with the young Republicans at their local chapter.

http://info.interactivist.net

http://anarchy.meetup.com

http://democratic-socialists.uchicago.edu/

http://www.chicagoyr.org/

13. Let's go boating!

Our Midwestern city of industry and intrigue can make you feel claustrophobically landlocked. But you can escape the rat race by just hopping on one of the city's local boat rides. Day and evening cruises tour the lake boasting an amazing view and a fresh perspective. There are historical city tours, sailing trips and even speedboat rides. Take a date, gather with a group of friends or just escape from it all alone. Many trips are reasonably priced, ranging from $9-$25.

Moderately priced tours of the lakefront: Shoreline Marine Sightseeing, (312)222-9328; Fast-paced aquatic thrills: Seadog Cruises, (312)822-7200; A taste of the old sailing days: Windy, (312)595-5555

14. Fill your pockets

There's something lacking in your nightlife. What is it? Perhaps a deep sense of history, of pride and civility passed from generation to generation. We're talking culture here. Tradition. Sophisticated leisure. Ritual. It's time you took up the cue and chalk; it's time you knew the click-clack of billiard balls reverberating on felt-skinned slate.

Billiards began as a game of the English aristocracy, evolving from a lawn game to an indoor game, played on a table as green as grass. Of course, the lower classes soon took the game up and now, nearly 500 years later, anyone can partake. And it's guilt-free, too. Once made exclusively of ivory, billiard balls were an impetus for the development of plastics back in the late 19th century; the increasing slaughter of the pachyderms was alarming even to the less ecologically minded humans of the time.

17+: Oak Park Billiards,1019 South Blvd Oak Park, (708)848-9085; 18+: Chris's Billiards, 4637 N. Milwaukee, (773)286-4714; 19+: Waveland Bowl, 3700 N. Western , (773)472-5900

15. Pretend-shoot people

There are two ways to play laser tag. First, go to a sanctioned laser-tag battleground. That's fun. Most of them have black lights so you feel like you're running around in an empty fish tank. Or you can hop on eBay and buy a vintage laser-tag set, starting at around twenty bucks. New sets are available from toy stores for around thirty dollars. This is doing it raw. You suit up, hit the streets, and party like it's 1985. The city will echo with the wails of your pitiful opponent's laser receptors!

You could conceivably do this with paintball guns, but you'll have to be a hell of a good shot to avoid collateral graffiti.

Laser Tag, 3230 Glenview Rd, Glenview, (847)729-2582

Enchanted Castle, 1103 Main St., Lombard, (630)953-7860

16. Ruin your lungs, if not your liver

You might have to be 21 to drink but you only have to be 18 to hit the pipe in a quaint little smoke shop. Whether your tastes are for imported cigarettes, fat cigars or grandiose hookah pipes, it turns out the smoke cafes are darn cool places to hang out. Cafe Hookah in Evanston is a hot spot for assorted fruity smokes while the endless inventory of cigars stocked at Hubbard State Cigar Shop will satisfy any connoisseur's palate. Coming this November to Wicker Park is the Sigara Hookah Café and Lounge.

Café Hookah, 726 Clark, Evanston, (847)475-2233; Hubbard State Cigar Shop, 6 W. Hubbard, (312)670-0687; Sigara, 2013 W. Division, (312)404-5000

17. See a play

Chicago is absolutely bursting with great low-profile theater companies who have brought an edge and sense of excitement to the stage that the bigger companies won't or can't do. There's Collaboraction, whose annual Sketchbook usually takes place in November, offering short-short performance pieces in a rave-like atmosphere. There's The House Theatre who, in their "Death and Harry Houdini" and "The Terrible Tragedy of Peter Pan," have generously served Chicago two heaping helpings of myth and spectacle. Theater Oobleck, Red Moon, The Hypocrites, Defiant, Curious Theater Branch... all are little pearls in the belly of Chicago's oyster. Also, make sure to see the Neo-Futurists long-running "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind," which plays Friday and Saturday at 11:30pm and Sundays at 7pm. If they sell out, they order pizza for everyone.

18. See a movie

The dinner-and-a-movie Friday night tired out years ago. But lucky for Chicagoans, the city pulses with art houses and film festivals. The Music Box Theater rolls the film at 11:59pm Friday and Saturday nights, and upcoming Halloween-themed features include "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Brew & View, the 18+ movie house, serves food and beverages during the feature at the Vic Theatre, and also projects reality TV shows onto the screen on certain days. Besides worthy foreign and independent films, DOC films at the University of Chicago also runs independent student-made productions worth catching weekly, and annual events like Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Animation Festival and the Chicago Underground Film Festival offer an alternative to the Hollywood-obsessed multiplex.

Music Box Theater, 3733 N. Southport, (773)871-6604; The Vic Theatre, 3145 N. Sheffield, (773) 472-0366; DOC films, Max Palevsky Cinema, Ida Noyes Hall, 212 E. 59th, (773)702-8575

19. See and be seen

The interior for Wicker Park's Mod, designed by whiz-kid Suhail, resembles a hipster funhouse, with brightly colored lights casting shadows across the sleek, geometrically peculiar décor and pretty people slinking through the dining room lined by shape-distorting mirrors. The check is accompanied by a healthy puff of cotton candy to top off the fair feel. Or pretend to be seductive and significant and you'll fit right in at Sugar, a see-and-be-seen dessert bar popping with wannabe eye candy. (If underage, be sure to arrive between five and nine, or the bouncers might thwart your attempt to satiate your sweet tooth.) Nine Steak House and Mandarin Dragonfly are hip nightspots with a dance-club feel, so lingering over dessert might give you the impulse to bob your head to the pulsating electronic beats. The point is, this city offers an endless supply of sexy restaurants if you're up for splurging on a night on the town.

Mod, 1520 N. Damen, (773)342-5406; Dragonfly Mandarin, 1206 N. State, (312)787-7600; Nine Steak House, 440 W. Randolph, (312)575-9900; Sugar, 108 W. Kinzie, (312)822-9999

20. Skim the indie reading scene

Nary a week goes by without an event at Quimby's books. Local writers like Joe Meno and the Baffler crew and writers from around the country have rocked this house time and time again like El Nino. And what a house to rock, a veritable emporium of the independent press. Plus, you'll never, ever stumble into an open-mic poetry reading. It's in their policy! It's on their web site! No open-mic poetry!

Quimby's, 1854 W. North, (773)342-0910

21. Open heart, open mic

For some reason, society expects people under 21 to attend horrible, melodramatic poetry readings and open-mic nights where people dwell on their pathetic lives by reading their journal entries to an audience that doesn't care. And like it. While this phenomenon can't be explained, there are ways around the harsh reality of it. In the spirit of The Green Mill, home of slam poetry's humble beginnings, decent readings and open-mic nights are possible to find if you look really hard. (But don't look at The Green Mill, because they discriminate against those born after 1982.) Weeds, Trace, Coffee Chicago and Café Penelope host readings for aspiring beatniks. And if you show up early, you can even register to read some of your own rants and political statements! Or just settle down on a plush couch, sip your latte and remind yourself why you decided to put yourself through this.

Weeds, 1555 N. Dayton, (312)943-7815; Trace, 3714 N. Clark, (773)477-3400; Coffee Chicago, 5256 N. Broadway, (773)784-1305; Café Penelope, 230 S. Ashland, (312)243-3600

(2003-10-29)

Also by Courtney Barnes, Tom Lynch, Margaret Noble, David Orr and Kate Zambreno

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