Joe Jarvis

The only Operation Iraqi Freedom telestrated play-by-play infotainment highlight show worth watching is Fox News.

Before Bush had Boots on the Ground, the Coalition of the Willing busied itself with the Shock and Awe airstrike phase, paving the way for Tip of the Spear tank brigades and their Embedded journalists. Thank God for Brit Hume and Shepard Smith, calmly placing in context horrific scenes of Baghdad buildings obliterated in orange flashes. Surveying the interminable row of murky mushroom clouds, Hume cooed over the "amazing" images. When an interview subject described the indelible impact left by ubiquitous network airing of the attack footage, Hume quickly interjected, "in particular (those images) appearing on our network," before engineering a segue to detail his prominence during the first Gulf War, with lap boy Smith immediately pouncing on the opportunity: "CNN established itself during that war, but as I recall, it was Brit Hume who won the Emmy." Another orange flash, another few dozen Iraqis dead.

A cardboard anchor and sycophantic sidekick can't carry an entire production. Pentagon correspondent Bret Baire chimed in on Abram tank convoy progress, noting his inclusion in an email from the Second Brigade commander (sent only to "family and friends"), in which the commander pleaded "Pray for us, pray for what we're going to do, and watch Fox News..."

Occasionally one needs to check other network coverage to insure earthbound existence. On Channel 20's feed of BBC News, Prime Minister Blair once again put forth the case to his people, explaining "the best way to deal with future threats peacefully is to deal with present threats with resolve." Not with war, mind you, but simple resolve. Winding up, Blair jabbed in a previously unmentioned Coalition objective, that of a "stable Palestinian state." Pardon? The prospect of Operation Total Middle Eastern Compliance hits deeply sour, but don't fret. You can always watch video messages from Americans aboard USS Kitty Hawk in a FoxNews.com special called "Fox Fan Central: Troops Shout Out." Word!

Within a week, blood will flow above tank tread in Baghdad: I'll buy the popcorn; you bring the beer.

(2003-03-26)

Also by Joe Jarvis

House of Cards
Finkel, otherwise known as the Great American Hope, once undisputed king of the Magic: The Gathering world, whose lifetime tournament earnings exceed $300,000 dollars, has lost his grip and clout over recent years, although the faithful accredit this to complacency, not diminished skill.
(2003-01-22)

Future schlock
In "Everyone in Silico," Kinko's does organic duplication, smog levels make gas masks commonplace as umbrellas, holographic ads appear mid-air and "emorph" based on your mood, and thugs with tattooed teeth pitch you the new line of marijuana Marlboros at McDonald's, which boasts ninety-nine billion served.
(2002-11-26)

Girlie shows
This week two burlesque shows visit us to resuscitate our sexual imaginations. The Fluffgirls' "Burlesque Winter Follies Tour" hits The Hideout on Thursday and Friday night Subterranean presents "One Bad-Ass Burlesque Show.
(2002-11-20)

Tip of the Week
T.J. Stiles' "Jesse James: Last Rebel of the Civil War" is one of a few scholarly works focused on the outlaw, but will remain the authoritative text far past our lifetimes.
(2002-09-26)

Fight Club
(2002-09-18)

Hair line
(2002-08-14)

STREET CIRCUS, PART 2
(2002-08-07)

IGNORANCE IS BLISS
(2002-08-01)

NONFICTION REVIEW
(2001-11-15)

FICTION REVIEW
(2001-10-18)

NOT MILK?
(2001-03-01)

REPAIR WORK
(2001-02-08)

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