After the last few Love & Sex issues, we're a little tired, honey, of talking about our own sex lives. So enough about us. Just in time for Valentine's Day, we wanted you to show us yours in order to form a more salaciously informed picture of sex in our city. We went snooping around various places on the dating radar, asking completely unsuitable questions. We're just glad we didn't get slapped.

* Some names may have been changed to protect the horny.

Who you are

We polled singles at watering holes all over, from a South Side party to a Loyola meeting ground to ImprovOlympic to Boys Town haunt Spin to a Lincoln Park bar. We got back 250 surveys total: 88 from the web, 162 from the street; 137 male, 113 female. 85 percent of males identified as straight, 11 percent gay, 4 percent bisexual. Of females, 86 percent were straight, 11 percent bi, 3 percent gay. We also wanted to know whether you were attached. 71 percent of men were single, and 75 percent of women.

Prince(ss) Charming

We asked the same question two different ways, substituting just the word hoping for intending, and got back surprisingly different results:

Did you go out tonight with the intention of meeting someone?

Men:

Yes 24%

No 76%

Women:

Yes 34%

No 66%

Did you go out tonight with the hope of meeting someone?

Men:

Yes 46%

No 54%

Women:

Yes 41%

No 59%

Action Plan

Listen to this scenario: You meet an attractive person and conversation sparks. You A)

Hang around to see what happens B)

Exchange numbers, say 'I'll call you," and go out on a date. C)

Try to hook up that night.

24% of guys said they'd hang around.

36% went the traditional route.

36% bartered for a quick meet between the sheets.

25% of girls let fate/beverage consumption decide.

63% did the numbers thing.

12% were aiming to hop in bed that night.

Of those who said they'd exchange numbers, we wanted to know whether they would be the giver or the receiver.

78 percent of men retained the power to call or not to call, and the same percentage of women scribbled their digits on the backs of cocktail napkins.

"If I'm interested, I purposely leave my watch behind," --Nielson, Lincoln Park

For those who wanted to hook up that night, we asked whether the end goal was sex or just fooling around. Not surprisingly, 70 percent of the men who answered "C" wanted to go all the way, while 67 percent of women just wanted to round some of the bases.

"I've been making out consistently since New Year's Eve." --Tara, Lakeview

For those who spent the night, what was the likelihood that they'd ever see that other person in the daylight?

Men:

31% not likely

53% fairly likely

16% most likely

Women:

12% not likely

50% fairly likely

38% most likely

"I actually had someone say to me, 'I am in no position to have consecutive sex with anyone. I would rather have been told 'this is a one-time thing.' I hate embellished truths. Give it to me straight up." --Lisa, Pilsen

Walk of Shame or Walk of Fame?

It's a popular assumption that the ladies hold the power in deciding whether or not to go home with someone, and that all men would have as many one-night stands as possible if they could. Except for one woman got laid because she lost a game of rock, paper, scissors, the females polled were more cautious about meaningless flings. When pressed for details, women typically divulged more horror stories and less bragging. "One-night stands make for good practice," says David of Ukrainian Village, compared to Heather of Lakeview. "Ahh...STDs," she said. "I'm not into one-night stands. I'm an emotional girl."

76 percent of men have had a one-night stand, compared to 69 percent of women. When asked about frequency, 12 percent of men say they engage in stranger sex regularly, 66 percent occasionally, 22 percent once (or twice). 5 percent of women have regular one-night stands, compared to 62 percent occasionally, and 33 percent once (or twice). The majority of men who said "regularly" had a bi or gay preference.

"One time in college I was so freaked out about having safe sex--yet I was drunk and having a one-night stand--that the only 'talk' we had during the act was me constantly asking if he had a condom on. I'm sure that was pretty dull for him. I learned a lesson. If you're gonna have sex with a stranger you might as well be aware enough to enjoy it and let go --while still being safe." --Raina, Ravenswood

"After sleeping with the man, he asked to borrow the phone. While sitting on the edge of the bed, he called his wife and made small talk." --Ellen, Uptown

"I was 22 and had just gotten out of an 8-year relationship. It was a crazy night out with my girlfriends. I was drunk and walked outside to hail a cab when a car full of guys pulled up and asked if I wanted to party. All I remember is hooking up with this guy who couldn't have sex because he had a crooked penis. The next morning he rolled over and smiled, saying, 'hey beautiful.' He was missing seven teeth. When he got up to take a shower, I looked around and there was shit all over. I had not idea where I was. I told him I wanted to go home. He said you can't catch a cab around here, I'll drive you home. He got dressed in front of me in purple tighty whiteys, black jeans, a gold mock turtleneck, purple sports sweatshirt and white gym shoes. I let him drop me off four blocks from home. I didn't want him to know where I lived." --Sally, Old Town

Five Minutes Ago

With Chicagoans perpetually in a state of either hibernation or coming out of hibernation, how often do we copulate? Survey says about once a week on average, with females slightly more likely to put off doing the deed indefinitely.

When's the last time you had sex?

Less than 24 hours ago 19%

Less than a week ago 34%

Less than a month ago 19%

Less than six months 20%

I'm on an indefinite sabbatical 8%

Isn't that an Oxymoron?

What's better: Bad sex or no sex? This is a question some men around the office didn't understand. What would you prefer: a half-hour of in-and-out, or spending that time reading a good book or rearranging your CD collection? Some respondents noted that with age the need to have any kind of sex tapers off. "When I was younger any sex was good. As I get older, it's sad...I kinda think no sex is better. That's horrible, but definitely if it's not good, then it's not worth it," says one anonymous male.

Men:

31% Bad sex

48% No sex

21% What is bad sex?

Women:

24% Bad sex

64% No sex

12% What is bad sex?

Except without Jack Tripper

Many Chicagoans were intrigued by the idea of a threesome, although only 32 percent of men and 16 percent of women had ever engaged in a ménage à trois. 74 percent of men who hadn't would want to fulfill that fantasy, compared to 33 percent of women, who probably could have already if they had wanted to. Many straight men who had done the human sandwich made it pointedly clear that these were two girls and a guy, not the other way around, and if it was two guys, there was no point of contact between them. Straight women admitted to feeling curious about other girls, but unsure of the emotional repercussions of bringing in a third party. "Hmmm... No, I think I'd be too confused. I'd be overwhelmed," says one female respondent.

Tweaking and Twacking

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? The answers came in somewhere between Playboy Advisor material and your basic vanilla twists. Some mild role-playing, a little slap and tickle, and exhibitionism 101.

"At the park where twelve other people watched us--we didn't know. It was light out. We were on this hill and they could see us and we couldn't see them, and I was wearing a skirt and when we stood up all these people started clapping and yelling. All the good stuff happened in high school." --Kary, Rogers Park

"Nothing too kinky. There's a stereotype that gay men automatically are kinky. It's not true. I never did it in a bathroom or an elevator. I like it normal." --Michael, Wrigleyville

'During the summer, while rollerblading with my dog, I caught the eye of a cute boy on rollerblades in Grant Park. We circled back toward each other, and before you know it, the dog was tied to a tree, while the boy and I had sex on a nearby park bench. We didn't even bother to take the rollerblades off." --Hugh, WRigleyville

Location, Location, Location

For the wildest place you've ever had sex, we got a lot of dressing rooms (Carson Pirie Scott, Marshall Field's, a GAP outlet outside of Cincinnati), laundry rooms, bathrooms the elevator at the MCA, cemeteries, in a foreign country, a little "Risky Business" on the El, the top floors of skyscrapers, and in a Columbia College classroom. Not to mention the mobile motel of the high-school set, the car. Many of the erotic settings were literally wild, as in outside with nature. Much of the intrigue was Freudian, like in-laws being in the same house, doing it in the parent's beds, or roommates being right outside. Our favorites include a handjob on a half-filled Greyhound, sex at Crobar behind a screen, the bathroom at Tuman's, and getting laid in a funeral home on top of a coffin (probably Goths).

"In a tent on a camping trip. It was dirty. Lots of bugs." --Maggie, Wrigleyville.

"Outside on the exposed roof of a parking garage in downtown Evanston. Put on a good show for all those condo owners." --Bill, Logan Square

"In Grant Park, at the Petrillo Bandshell, during a summer evening classical performance. Fucking and tickle torture. All the 70-year-olds loved it." --K, Wicker Park

"In the rainforest --I was working at a research station in Costa Rica . I met a guy on the trail and we just stripped and did it against a tree. That was the only time I have ever met someone and been in their pants in a matter of minutes." --Raina, Ravenswood

"Once me and my ex-boyfriend were extremely horny coming home late at night from partying. So he parked the car on a deserted street, which had the Metra train tracks alongside of it. Since it was sooo late, so nice outside, and no one was around, we took our escapade outdoors, on a blanket. Just as I was completely butt naked, standing while he was kissing me down there, a train rode by. Needless to say, the people on that train got an eyeful of me! To this day, I still remember their faces!" --Kathy, Portage Park

Has money ever been exchanged before or after the sex act?

"Excluding cab rides," we made sure to include, but that didn't keep people from asking questions. "Does dinner count?" more than guy inquired. Still, not many men or women, especially those surveyed face-to-face, would admit to buying or being paid for a roll in the sheets. One female respondent told us that a man once paid her $400 to worship her feet for an hour. 18 percent of men said money has changed hands, compared to 11 percent of women.

"A friend of mine was married, his wife not putting out, I was a few hundred short of a rent deposit. If I spent an afternoon with him it was a gift." --Cassandra, Greektown

Multi-tasking

Have you ever been with more than one person in the period of 24 hours? (Talk about speed dating.) 49 percent of men said yes, as did 36 percent of women.

Have you ever lied and told someone you loved them?

To get them to sleep with you? 22 percent of men said yes, 10 percent of women.

During sex? 35 percent of men said yes, as did 17 percent of women.

Do you own porn?

Men: 63%

Women: 25%

Batteries not included

Women were more likely to include batteries in their sex play, whether by themselves or with others. 45 percent of women owned a sex toy, compared to 17 percent of men. Vibrators were hands-down the female aid of choice--some even swear by specific brands, from Hello Kitty to the trusty silver bullet. Other devices that tickle your fantasy: some daddy-I'm-bad-handcuffs-and-whips action, a strap-on here and there, cock rings, butt plugs, and one his & her dildo.

The Language of Love

Some say "hooking up." Others "going out." We wanted to know how you describe it to your friends when you're getting it on with someone. Women tended to say that they were "dating someone" or "seeing each other," as opposed to describing that significant or less-than-significant other in sexual terms.

Hooking up 28%

Seeing each other 18%

Dating 11%

Hanging out: 8%

Going out: 8%

Fuck buddies: 6%

Kicking it: 2%

Honorable mentions: friends with benefits, knocking boots, getting it on, shacking up, "together," messing around, riding the beast with two backs, friends that fuck, laid pipe, booty calls, screwing, bed buddies, got together.

The Ins and Outs

What is your favorite position? The statistical majority don't like to see their lover's faces, preferring doggie style.

Women:

35% Doggy style

29% Meat-and-potatoes missionary

29% Ride 'em cowgirl

Men:

50% From behind

27% Girl on top

14% Biblical style

Honorable mentions: two seated facing each other, anal missionary, on side, "legs over my head," being held down, reverse cowgirl "me on top, facing his feet, great view for him, g spot for me," and the dead cockroach ("him on his back, me on top of him on my back").

Food for Thought

We weren't blown away to find that receiving oral sex was the overwhelmingly popular sex act, followed far behind by giving oral sex, fingering, rimming (or "analingus") making out, and S&M play. "Staring into each other's eyes while kissing and everything else," said one romantic. "Getting a BJ while watching football on TV" said another. Ladies, we think we've found your prince.

Pick your Fetish

It was a close race between T & A, with ass men taking the lead when asked what their favorite body part was on someone else, although leg men were equally vocal. "If I see a girl the first thing I notice is her calves," said one male respondent. Women and gay men were more divided in their fetishes, preferring the whole package "Good arm, abs. Big dick," said one, although the ass won out, along with other more sensitive areas, like the neck and the lips and between the legs.

On Women:

Ass (rear end, butt, bottom, buttocks, da booty) 27%

Tits (aka breasts, boobs, hooters) 15%

Face 9%

Eyes 9%

Legs 8%

Neck 7%

Lips 5%

Back 5%

Stomach 3%

Calves 3%

Feet 3%

Other: clavicle, tongue, hands, behind ear, shoulders, hip

On Men:

Ass 15%

Dick 12%

Chest 10%

Lips/Mouth 10%

Arms 8%

Eyes 8%

Neck 7%

Hands 6%

Back 4%

Shoulders 4%

Abs 3%

Hips 3%

Face 2%

Other: second toe, nipples, tongue, thighs, nose, torso

"Umm... That's difficult because like on a fat person it's his eyes. But, like on a thinner person it's like a guy's chest or his navel." --Shaniqua, Gold Coast

"I once dated a man who had to have pubic skin grafted onto his hand. So there were little pubic hairs growing out of his fingers." --Margaret, Ravenswood

The Clinton Question

So what is it, actually? For lesbians, oral sex is definitely sex, and many gay men include oral sex as sex. But straight-identified take a heteronormative viewpoint in tallying up the notches on their bedpost.

39% define sex as vaginal penetration

24% say sex is any kind of penetration

37% define sex as any sort of sucking and/or fucking

The Ex files

"Describe your most recent ex in one word," we asked and you responded. Adjectives signifying the mentally unsound ranked most high in both genders, and some were even creative. We had to look up one word, "skell," which is "a homeless person who lives as a derelict." There were lots of "assholes" and "dicks" to describe men, and "bitch" and "fucking bitch" to describe females. Some answers were not exactly one word, like "white trash" or "misguided bitch," but we get the point. Other popular ones for females: controlling, confusing, unstable, gorgeous, aloof, self-absorbed, cold, haunted, whore, curious, pompous, cunt, simplistic. For men: immature, little boy, feminine, arrogant, stupid, inept, selfish, deceitful, jackass, loser, sweetheart, pompous, dangerous.

Compiled by: Kate Zambreno, with help from Tom Lynch

Reported by: Becky Eldridge, Lauren Lauter, Kelly Lynch, Tom Lynch, Nadia Pflaum, Rick Villalobos, Nathaniel Zimmer

(2003-02-11)

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