Joe Jarvis

The aging gunslinger has come back for one more.

The Hyatt Regency exhibition hall crowd has compressed in and around twenty rows of chairs. On our headphones the play-by-play announcers discuss the prospect of Jon Finkel advancing to the finals. Finkel, otherwise known as the Great American Hope, once undisputed king of the Magic: The Gathering world, whose lifetime tournament earnings exceed $300,000 dollars, has lost his grip and clout over recent years, although the faithful accredit this to complacency, not diminished skill. The announcer assures us that "sometimes Jon doesn't care at all about Magic, but you know he cares about this."

Across six television monitors Finkel and his German opponent Kai Budde shuffle and deal over a customized red and black card table, situated beneath a broken square of steel scaffolding packed with fans who skipped the lunch interval to secure choice seats. Finkel sizes up Budde with his signature arctic look, known in Magic circles as "the Finkel stare." Budde, reigning Pro Player of the Year, has cleared two-hundred grand the last two years and notched six Pro Tour wins in a career that can approach total domination with a victory today. Finkel has returned to reclaim his crown, and Budde, as the announcer puts it, remains focused on "restoring world order against this American uprising."

A Finkel admirer prompts a chant of "USA," and a spindly, acne-riddled kid with legs stretched over his luggage instigates an ill-advised dispute with a rare Budde fan, a tall bald man with a South Side accent who could wear the kid's belt as necklace.

The first game of the best-of-five series begins amid vast audience and commentator confusion as to whether Finkel has all his "Misery Charms" and "Fever Charms." The two combatants rapidly draw cards, turning them sideways then back, and occasionally placing them in the middle of the table. Budde draws a blue card, prompting moans and gnashing of teeth, but Finkel doesn't wince, turning up his own blue card. The audience pops and Budde cringes. According to the announcer, "Finkel just made Budde kill himself!" The statement appears somewhat hyperbolic as Budde continues to play, both players fervently maneuvering cards in a sequence described on the headphones as "Finkel gets the Cleric, sacks the Cleric, HE GETS THE ZOMBIE." Later, "Finkel boards Slaver, Slaver--ZOMBIE." Eventually, "USA!" chants begin in earnest when Finkel claims the first game.

Budde, obviously rattled, aggressively plays Finkel, who turns away three endgame attempts before finally caving. Budde handles the rest of the match to advance to the finals, where he wins and pockets $30,000. And one imagines Finkel, who bounced immediately after the Budde match, lost more than his $15,000 purse could ever replace.

(2003-01-22)

Also by Joe Jarvis

Future schlock
In "Everyone in Silico," Kinko's does organic duplication, smog levels make gas masks commonplace as umbrellas, holographic ads appear mid-air and "emorph" based on your mood, and thugs with tattooed teeth pitch you the new line of marijuana Marlboros at McDonald's, which boasts ninety-nine billion served.
(2002-11-26)

Girlie shows
This week two burlesque shows visit us to resuscitate our sexual imaginations. The Fluffgirls' "Burlesque Winter Follies Tour" hits The Hideout on Thursday and Friday night Subterranean presents "One Bad-Ass Burlesque Show.
(2002-11-20)

Tip of the Week
T.J. Stiles' "Jesse James: Last Rebel of the Civil War" is one of a few scholarly works focused on the outlaw, but will remain the authoritative text far past our lifetimes.
(2002-09-26)

Fight Club
Although the prospect of seeing Oscar de la Hoya permanently disfigured provides sufficient impetus for many to throw in for a pay-per-view, there are other reasons boxing has survived recent innumerable embarrassments.
(2002-09-18)

Hair line
(2002-08-14)

STREET CIRCUS, PART 2
(2002-08-07)

IGNORANCE IS BLISS
(2002-08-01)

NONFICTION REVIEW
(2001-11-15)

FICTION REVIEW
(2001-10-18)

NOT MILK?
(2001-03-01)

REPAIR WORK
(2001-02-08)

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