Tony Peregrin

"Hoffman!"

"Jansak!"

"McClain!"

"Paskey!"

Every time I enter the locker room at the gym I still hear my high-school PE teacher's voice, bored and baritone, echoing off the tile walls. I always felt like an alien space traveler in gym class--my sharp-angled, skinny body and shy demeanor dead giveaways that I was not of this machismo-infused world. Even my name was all wrong: "Per/e/grin" didn't resonate with the same jockish boom that "Jansak!" or "Paskey!" did when yelled out during roll or on the field.

As an adult I still feel a little out of place in a health-club locker room, but now I attribute that less to my physicality and more to the fact that I'm a gay male. Straight buddies of mine have asked me if gay men check straight men out in the locker room. The answer is: yes. But so do you. We all do it, to some degree.

By adhering to a few simple rules of locker-room etiquette, it is possible for gay men, straight men, and everyone in between, to be naked around each other. Think of it as a kind of strange brand of courtesy, the same kind of courtesy expressed in a public men's room if more than one male is present. If a guy is completely alone, he rarely washes his hands after standing at the urinal. But if another guy happens to walk in, he will typically wash his hands--not for himself, but so the other guy doesn't think he's disgusting. It's a warped brand of courtesy men offer each other, and one that should extend to the locker room.

1. No prancing or strutting around the locker room completely naked no matter how buff you are. Don't strike up a conversation with me with your stuff out, especially if you're standing in front of me and I'm sitting on a bench tying my shoe. It's heartbreakingly distracting for the gay boys and unsettling for the straight boys.

2. Don't assume that I'm digging your action if you catch me glance at the little general. Straight guys: Despite what you think, we are not panting after all hetero males. Gay guys: there's a time and a place for everything. Give me a few minutes and I'll catch up with you outside the gym.

3. If it's a communal shower, facing the wall the entire time makes it look like you're trying to hide something, but it's not a direct breech of etiquette per se. Make sure to wash your unit, of course, but don't spend the entire afternoon down there or it makes it look like you're up to something else.

4. Straight guys: Absolutely no fag jokes. (Unless they are really funny). And no bragging about the girl you bagged last night, especially if you use descriptions like, "Man, she threw a really mean kitty." It's juvenile, it's annoying and what's more, every gay boy (and a few savvy straight ones) will know you're probably a closet case.

5. Gay guys: If your gonna wear a walkman in the locker room, keep the volume down and by all means do not sing along to whatever you're listening to, especially if it's some Mariah Carey/Celine Dion diva shit. It's embarrassing for your gay brothers, irritating for the straight guys, and it's the quickest way to get your ass kicked by both groups.

The gym and the locker room can easily be a place where gay and straight men come together, form casual bonds, and even become friends. For years, the stereotype that a woman's best friend is a gay man has been perpetuated by Hollywood ("My Best Friend's Wedding," "Will & Grace"), but it's probably more accurate to say that a hetero male's best friend is a gay man. Straight guys often interact with each other on a more superficial level, but with us they can let down their guard a bit. They can see chick flicks with us, confess insecurities about their girlfriends, seek advice on haircuts and shoes--and most important for me--they can feel comfortable calling me by my first name. Now, THAT has a nice ring to it.

(2003-01-08)

Also by Tony Peregrin

Gay nineties
Prowling through the dense, exotic terrain of American pop culture, John D'Emilio, professor of history and gender studies at the University of Illinois at Chicago, returns with a detailed map that charts the migration of gays to the center of our national consciousness during the last decade.
(2002-11-13)

PRIDE 101: DISENCHANTED
There is a guilty little secret shared by an ever-increasing number of gays and lesbians, and it goes something like this: We hate Pride parades.
(2002-06-27)

SINGLED, OUT
But our date, our mini-date, has been interrupted by the tinkling of a bell, and in true Pavlovian fashion, the twenty men assembled for Chicago's first gay speed-dating group, immediately shift to the table on their left in the hopes of finding Mr. Right.
(2002-02-07)

NONFICTION REVIEW
The paradoxical premise behind Suzanna Danuta Walters latest survey of pop culture, "All the Rage," is smartly tethered to the book's three-word title.
(2001-11-29)

BUYING POWER
(2001-11-22)

FICTION REVIEW
(2001-10-11)

LESSONS LEARNED
(2001-06-21)

FACE OFF
(2001-05-31)

OH RIKKI
(2001-03-29)

LAVENDER HAZE
(2001-03-01)

GREAT SEXPECTATIONS
(2001-02-15)

COLD COMFORT
(2001-01-18)

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