Which means no matter what you might think about this May's sweeps offerings, it's probably best to tape everything and parcel it out to yourself over the summer. The strike is coming and without useful things like writers, things are liable to get ugly fast. (Though many will recall that Letterman did some of his best stuff during the writers' strike of the eighties.) But, you say, it's summer. I can just skip TV and head outside. But what are you going to do come fall when it's starting to get cold and nighttime entertainment is limited to "Millionaire," that mini-evil-British crone on "Weakest Link" and "Temptation Island 2"?

And there's no telling what's going survive the carnage that's coming. Some of these shows may never again see the light of day after vindictive development types mete out punishment for weeks of lost revenue and angry phone calls. All of which means watch now—for tomorrow you, and they, may die.

One interesting note about this year's May sweeps is the complete lack of scope—there's no six-hour wonder, no religious epic, no weeklong foray into the world of fantastic gnomes. But that doesn't mean the usual suspects are gone—there's Marilyn Monroe, Shirley Temple, surprise weddings, a homicidal Mary Tyler Moore and Nazis! Here's your guide:

ABC
Apparently Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still flexing whatever muscle she got from being Friday night TVs favorite twinkie and has produced the Disney-pic "Child Star: The Shirley Temple Story"(May 13, 6pm), tracing the life of the little imp from age 3 through her early teens. Guess the part about her getting married and being an ambassador wasn't interesting enough for kids. There's a whole damn week of celebrity "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," which, though not quite as fun as celebrity "Jeopardy!" (Where's Sean Connery when you need him?), promises an irritating hour every night (May 6, 8pm; May 8, 7pm; May 9-11, 8pm). You can never have enough Linda McCartney, so Paul sits down with his daughter Mary to talk about her, show home movies and other footage in the vanity project/special "Wingspan" (May 11, 8pm). And last, for your two-night downer, there's "Anne Frank," yet another re-mount of one of the most depressing Holocaust stories ever (May 20-21, 8pm).

CBS
The Eye has gone insane. Their sweeps programming is just this side of unreal—having started out in late April with a live version of "On Golden Pond" starring the horribly miscast Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. If they're not singing, why are they on? That monstrosity is followed up with the three-hour "Survivor" Thursday night (May 3, 7-10pm), featuring the final episodes and the Bryant Gumbel (please make him go away) hosted "reunion" show. "Blonde" purports to tell us something about Marilyn Monroe, played by the unconvincing looking Poppy Montgomery, which probably means salacious details, skimpy clothes and pill popping (May 13 & 16, 8pm). They've even dragged out Dr. Quinn, Medicine Ho, er, Woman for a new movie "Dr. Quinn, Winter's Heart," which features more heartwarming, smarmy claptrap showcasing the classic features and tawny mane of Jane Seymour (May 19, 7pm). It's difficult to even know what to say about "Like Mother, Like Son: The Strange Story of Kante and Kenny Kimes," apparently tracing a mother/son grifter team who turn manic and lethal (May 20, 8pm). But that whole Mary Tyler Moore as a knife-wielding bitch is a bit too believable, so we'll see.

Fox
Why even bother, right? "Surprise Wedding 2" has some "Temptation Island" hussy watching women surprise their men with proposals of marriage (May 10, 7pm). Oh yeah, that'll work. And John Walsh, continuing his frightening slide toward Charles Bronson-level vigilante, hosts "America's Most Wanted Presents Judgment Night: DNA the Ultimate Test" (May 17, 8pm), where they find out if all the innocent folks in jail are telling the truth. Wanna bet on how many get off? "The X-Files"... well, it's hard to even care anymore, though they are supposedly telling us who the father of Scully's baby is, but I'm getting that "V" feeling, so don't be surprised if a rubber alien pops out (May 20, 8pm). End it already!

NBC
The Peacock goes the more "prestige" route, putting out Steve Martini's "The Judge," featuring "Law and Order" "Sex and the City" stud Chris Noth (hubba hubba) as a lawyer forced to defend his least favorite judge (Edward James Olmos) when disgrace comes a knockin' (May 6-7, 8pm). "Submerged" features Sam Neill as a U.S. Navy hottie in the midst of history's greatest submarine rescue, circa World War II (May 20, 8pm). And, not wanting to let the tie-in possibilities go by, we get "National Geographic's Pearl Harbor: Legacy of an Attack" (May 27, 8pm). What they don't do in movies, they make up for in guest stars, however, as a host of people funnel through their sitcoms: Hugh Hefner and the playmate of the year on "Just Shoot Me" (May 10, 8:30pm), Gary Oldman on the Monica/Chandler wedding, "Friends" season finale (May 17, 7pm), and the cast of the first "Survivor," that's Richard, Sue and all, on "Weakest Link" (May 10, 7:30pm).

Also by Elaine Richardson

PLAY BALL
An intriguing mixture of baseball and celebrity, Billy Crystal's labor of love, HBO's highly enjoyable "61*," offers a compelling look at a story where just about everyone knows the ending.
(2001-04-26)

FRAKENFOOD?
Would you eat genetically manufactured food? You know—where scientists do a little gene fiddling to create corn that produces its own pesticide or a papaya that's resistant to disease? If you had a choice, would you eat such a thing?
(2001-04-19)

HOT AIR
School officials go on about standards and the importance of school reform in setting standards, but if standards mean that kids departing the CPS high school can read at a third-grade level, as opposed to a first-grade level, do we really want to count that as progress?
(2001-04-12)

CASE OF THE X
When you get jerked around on a regular basis, it's difficult not to harbor bad feelings. And though you determine not to let yourself be ill used, these days dysfunctional relationships are so much the norm you just end up going back to face the same old crap. That's how it is with "The X-Files" and me.
(2001-04-12)

POOR HOUSE
(2001-04-12)

ON DELIVERY
(2001-04-05)

HOT AIR
(2001-03-29)

THE ART OF WAR
(2001-03-29)

GET IN THE GAME
(2001-03-29)

SUFFERING GRACEFULLY
(2001-03-22)

REEL DEAL
(2001-03-22)

BAD BAD THINGS
(2001-03-15)